telling all.

desperate. hopeless. fearful. loved?

2009-10-19T01:18:00.007-05:00

it's interesting to me how i started this day completely unhappy with myself and my life, and am ending it with a rapidly beating heart that is waiting to see what the Lord has in store.

ok, so that sentence really didn't make much sense to anyone but me i'm sure. basically, i've been extremely apathetic lately. i have allowed the complacency to creep in like the tide, and before i knew it, i was completely soaked through. God has not been the center of my world; I have been the center of my world. this has opened the door for a multitude of bad decisions and in the wake of that, shutting out God because of the feelings of inadequacy, shame, and fear. i am not worthy to be loved by Him, yet He loves me freely, without fail and contingencies. i have never known love like this, and i run from it half the time because i have yet to learn to accept His love and not abuse it. i heard a quote recently that went something like this: "God's patience is not an excuse for our procrastination." it hit me square between the eyes, and yet i still walked away like i had never heard it in the first place. how in the world are we as seeking people able to completely turn a blinded eye to the most incredible creator and lover this world has ever known?

i am feeling like God is about to move in my life in a major way. i really can't wait and i really can't understand why He would ever love me so much to do so. sitting idly by and waiting for God to do something while i run around like He can't see how i live is no longer going to work for me. i believe it is Paul who refers to himself as the "chief of sinners." if Paul is the chief, well i am not too far behind him. i feel completely inadequate as a lover and follower of Christ because i am too consumed in my own life to even acknowledge God for more than a breath in my day. how can a God so perfect and so holy ever want to love me?

i just want to honor Him. for heavens sake, i just want to do His will and live for Him.

i told myself a while back that i never want to forget the sin i was in because i never want to forget the people that are still in it. yet, over and over, i find myself right back where i was.

it's scary to say, "God, here am i. all of me. take my life. it's all for Thee." but this is my hearts cry. deep down in my soul, God beckons me. He whispers. He gently tugs. i run faster to His feet. seeking. praying. loving. hoping. desiring. reconciling. groaning. rejoicing. praising.

i know nothing of how this is going to go down, but i know that i cannot continue to be apathetic towards God, talk out of two sides of my mouth, and only "loving" people in words not actions.

me. silent. aware of my desperate need for Thee. desperate. hopeless without You. called. arms wide and heart abandoned. ready to be moved by the mover of mountains and creator of all.

ready. set. go.

the latest and the greatest.

2009-10-06T08:44:00.002-05:00

probably my favorite thing i've crocheted so far.

express yourself. create something new.

2009-09-07T13:59:00.005-05:00

summer creation. lined clutch.

newest creations. leg warmers.

bow hair clip.

my anthem at the moment.

2009-08-31T20:03:00.002-05:00

so faithful, so constant
so loving and so true
so powerful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

i know that You are for me
i know that You are for me
i know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
i know that You have come down
even if to write upon my heart
to remind me who You are

so patient, so gracious
so merciful and true

so wonderful in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

i know that You are for me
i know that You are for me
i know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
i know that You have come down
even if to write upon my heart
to remind me who You are

"You are for me" by kari jobe.

been a long time. here's some thoughts.

2009-08-10T21:08:00.003-05:00

wow. it's been a great and lovely summer. obviously i haven't posted something the entire summer long, but in a nutshell, it might be the best summer of college so far. well, i guess i should say it has probably been my most adventurous. gotta love getting out of a rut and actually experiencing new things. whoohoo!

there is a point to this post. i've been pondering the idea of love and marriage lately. if you know me at all, you're probably thinking "lately?" haha, but no really, i've been thinking about it with a level head. i was asked recently if i believe there is just one person i am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i felt like that was a loaded question. well, more thought provoking than loaded, but still a doozy.

my thoughts: so far, in my 22 years of life, i have been "unlucky" in love. i enjoyed my past relationships, and i know that i have learned SO much about: men, relationships, what i deserve and what i am looking for, myself, etc etc. do i believe that there is just one man that is out there that i have yet to meet, that will just sweep me off my feet and we will live happily ever after? no. do i believe that God has ordained a man and set him aside for me to marry? yes, i do. have i already met him? who knows! wouldn't that be a trip! hah.

i also get to thinking, will i know, just have a "feeling", like 'love at first sight'? do i even believe in 'love at first sight'? so many questions, and zero answers. i am in the place where i am ready to have questions answered. is that too much to ask? ;)

i'm excited to start my 5th year of college. last semester of classes kicks off in 7 days. whoohoo! bring it on! excited for what this school year has to offer.

"You are great, and Your name is to be praised!"

thoughts.

2009-05-17T22:01:00.000-05:00

today i finished blue like jazz for the second time: my first time being two summers ago. i'm not much of a writer, nor have i ever been very good at book reports. (got a D once reporting on to kill a mockingbird, or was it the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe? regardless, i got a D.) therefore, my thoughts on blue like jazz are going to be just that, thoughts.

i love the way that donald miller writes. i feel like he is telling me his story, his heart, and his mind without making me feel like he is breathing down my neck or sugar coating any idea about God. it's really refreshing to have someone be so real about their struggles and their experiences with God. i guess i want to be just as transparent with people about my own life. i want people to realize that i am just a sinner, who is loved by a great God, and who is trying my darnedest to love people the way i am so undeservingly loved. (by the way, i stink at this loving stuff ... all the time. just ask anyone who knows me.)

in the book, don talks about love. one of my favorite quotes says,

"i loved the fact that it wasn't my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God's, that my part was just to communicate love and approval."

he goes onto say in the next paragraph:

"the Bible says that if you talk to somebody with your mouth, and your heart does not love them, that you are like a person standing there smashing two cymbals together. You are only annoying everybody around you."

also, and i love this so much:

"... instead of withholding love to change somebody, i poured it on, lavishly. i hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing. i knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson."

i am constantly learning new things about God. i know i have zero figured out, but i figure seeking and wondering is better than not seeking or wondering.

there is such a part of me that doesn't understand any of this God stuff still. i've heard about it all my life, no joke, and it still messes me up and sends me to weird places every now and again. in blj, don talks about how he fell in love with Jesus again by reading the Gospels (matt., mark, luke, and john). during the easter season, i read all four accounts of the days prior, the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. it changed me. moved something inside of me. i feel as though that was the time i fell in love with Jesus again. have i been perfect? no. have i sucked at "christianity" since then? yes. has my heart for Jesus changed? no.

i wonder if this is part of the puzzle to really loving Him. being completely aware of my faults, my doubts, my bad areas, but submitting them to Him because He is the only one who can bring me life.

i just want to love people like i am loved. i just want to show people that God is real because He is real to me. i just want to be a little part of something grand, step outside of myself for a change.

i thank God for the words he gave donald miller. blue like jazz is a great book, and i totally recommend it to every person, believer or not. it's worth reading, just to get a different perspective of God and hear someone talk about their journey getting to Him.

my heart is to understand love the way that Jesus showed it/gives it. this world, my world and heart would be a better place if this love could be shown as abundantly.

i'm happy. the end.

2009-05-13T19:57:00.003-05:00

summer. so far, i have figured out that i have no clue how i want to spend my summer. i figure that i want to read a lot of interesting books, paint unabashedly, crochet new patterns and designs, travel, and preferably get a tan. deep into week one, i have yet to crack open a book for more than five minutes, touch my brushes to paint, and so on and so forth. work has consumed me. hanging out with friends has become more of a priority. oh well, i guess that i will work towards my summer goals next week, or possibly this weekend at the earliest.

i just want to touch on a few emotions or thoughts, a little more me-blog-like. i am becoming more reflective lately. i want to look at situations more carefully before taking a step forward or running away completely. i also want to actually become a different person, like i say that i am. i feel like i talk a lot of talk, but when pushed into a situation or left subject to my own thoughts, i am the same ... lost and scared and clingy and petrified and prideful and fearful and hopeless. but in jesus, i am so much more than i actually am: confident and reflective and careful and hopeful and at ease and ok being alone and much more. it's just an interesting time right now. so many of my friends have left, and i am trying to be ok with hanging out with myself most of the time. in short, life is good. things are good. i am good.

just a little update. :) i'm happy. the end.

haven't we heard this song about a thousand times before?

2009-05-04T23:56:00.000-05:00

(this blog is so full of drama, proceed with caution.)

ha.

favorite songs at the moment:

1.) tune out -- the format

2.) you can go your own way -- fleetwood mac

3.) tiny dancer -- elton john

4.) all this beauty -- the weepies

5.) you make me sing -- jimmy needham

6.) fencer riders -- jimmy needham

7.) portland is leaving -- rocky votolato

8.) for my love -- bethany dillon

9.) you're the love i want to be in -- jason aldean

10.) you found me -- the fray

check out those songs. you're life will never be the same. positively or negatively, never the same.

with love.

lately.

2009-04-27T11:18:00.000-05:00

for a while now i have been doing things differently.

- i watch zero t.v., except for the 2 seasons of gilmore girls that i keep watching over and over.

- i eat a lot less. it started bc of nerves, but now i am just used to it.

- i rarely dry my hair anymore. i've decided that it is 1. easier, and 2. better for my hair; so, it works.

- i spend less time at home. it's nice to have a different routine.

- i'm in church and doing church-related things more. great people, great messages, great times.

- i read a lot more. reading blue like jazz, at the moment.

- i support my friends and desire to help them more. i want to get outside of myself. being selfish doesn't satisfy.

- i sleep less. getting to bed at 11+ and finally falling asleep at 1 or 2. i'm glad it's almost summer bc getting to classes is becoming difficult.

- i write a lot more. journaling my heart out, jotting down poetry, documenting my dreams.

i don't know why i am doing things differently these days. i guess i just need to change up my routine and figure myself out. i found myself for about a month a half being depressed and never getting out of bed. i finally had to decide to get up and make the most of my college days, or lay in bed and cry about the things i can't change. i still find myself a couple of days a week just being a bum and turning into a hermit. i find myself missing someone still, but i'm learning and growing and praying and dreaming and wishing and loving and hoping.

2009-04-25T21:58:00.001-05:00

i felt the need to recap this past week:

last saturday: 280 Boogie in Waverly. hippies, bluegrass music, lovely friends, etc., made it my favorite event i have been to in a long time.

sunday: church, then montgomery to see momma, drink coffee, write a paper, and help drew with merch at the third day show.

monday: class, work, and hung out with friends (i.e.,procrastinated from writing another paper).

tuesday: class, no work, and international dinner with jordan. i love all of the people that i met that night. i'm sad that this tuesday is the last one of the semester. everyone is just so much fun.

wednesday: class, work, and bocci ball with kels and other friends on samford lawn. work was horrifying, and my schedule was finally light, so i made a screwdriver and headed to the lawn. after playing, kels and i hit up daylight donuts and chatted about life until midnight+.

thursday: only one class, no work, lunch with chelle and wes at moe's. THEN an impromptu, but not entirely on a whim, trip to shenanigans to get my foot inked. :) hung out with kels between lunch and tattoo, tattoo, then went to watch The Dark Knight at Jordan-Hare with jordan. laying on the field with blankets and pillows was epic. went to IHOP with friends, and it was the most uncomfortable experience ever. then came home and had a convo that made my heart hurt and my sleep restless. this was a day i will never ever forget.

friday: didn't make it to class; instead, i laid in my bed, made porch time with jesus, watched gilmore girls, and opened a pint of icing - all as therapy to get through some mess. and before work, i made a new purse. it was a semi-productive afternoon. work. then went to see the bandar-log play at the ale house with jordan, saw tons of old friends, and took a walk to bodegas were we ran into even more friends. a fun night was just what i needed.

today: wished i could have ignored my internal clock. headed to tiger town and bought cute shorts because all of mine are 2 sizes too big. (break-ups = best diet plan, fyi.) grabbed lunch, and met up with jordan at auburn city fest. it was not lame like i thought it might be, but it was hot as the devil's sneeze. i think i got a little sun which is a plus. left the city fest and went straight to wegl fest. waited around to see the bandar-log play, and now i have retired to my bed for the night.

this week was fun and interesting and unforgettable. on to start a new week full of adventures and memories.

only so much.

2009-04-24T22:41:00.000-05:00

a girl can only handle so much rejection in her life.

i just hold my head up high and smile.

happiness is a choice.

i feel compelled.

2009-04-24T01:22:00.000-05:00

here it is, in black and white (or whatever my blog colors are):

i know only one thing right now... i do not, in any way, deserve the love of jesus.

in my own life experience, i have dealt with a father whose definition of showing love was to turn on nascar on sunday afternoon and ask me to watch it with him, and to give me stupid gifts. he never knew how to love me, and never cared enough to try harder. as the years have gone on, i have only loved two men, and one of them i consider my one true love (and still do). both, in the end, broke my heart. i could do nothing to change the fact that they didn't want to be with me, it was just how things went down.

therefore, love for me is the one thing that i will never ever understand. i will never understand how God could look at me, and say that He loves me regardless of all my junk. every single day i feel as though i do not deserve love, from anyone. i look at myself in the mirror and wonder what it is that drove them all away. i even think that if jesus was to come to my door and i was to open it, he would take one look at me and give a half awkward grin and say, "oops, wrong door", and walk away - never looking back.

that's just how i feel. unworthy. the love He gives is such a weird concept, and learning to accept it will be the hardest part.

bible-love = legit love to be consumed in.

2009-04-16T11:15:00.000-05:00

just a little bible-love going on in my life. that's about it. not too bad, huh? it seems like a pretty legit love to be consumed in, in my opinion.

right now, i am all wrapped in ecclesiastes. i read it completely the other night, and now i am taking about 3 chapters at a time. at first, i was a bit discouraged by the words. i felt like it was depressing, and not life-breathing. but then i got thinking about Jesus. ecclesiastes is in the OT, and all the 'meaningless'ness that Solomon (i believe) is talking about changed radically with Jesus. also, i love how this book is so raw and the author talks unabashedly about the ways of this world. he says how they are meaningless and chasing after them to give you life is like 'chasing the wind - meaningless'. how true! and how lovely it is to read something in the bible that can be easily translated to people who don't believe.

i prayed the other day that God would, for the first time in my life, give me a heart for the lost. i know that in the bible, He tells us to go and tell the world about Him; that is a command. i have never felt qualified or even desired it in any way. God is bringing me out of the darkest part of my life, so far, and i know truth is actually true for certain now. why wouldn't i want to share? share with my life, my deeds, my words. i feel that is why God brought me to ecclesiastes this week. it makes sense because i have been that person of the world ... so close to that place in almost every minute still. without Jesus, i am nothing. i have no heart for love. i have no heart to bless others. i have no heart to please Him. it's just sadness.

i have finally posted a blog like micah would post. how interesting. thank you God for bringing whitney back! it's nice to feel meaning again.

hard letter to write.

2009-04-13T12:30:00.002-05:00

when being called by the Lord to do something hard, my initial reaction is to run the other way. i hate to be put in a situation where i have to make a hard decision or am faced with an ultimatum. the ultimatum i have been faced with recently is live in the will of the Lord, not my own, or be unhappy and defeated daily. it seems like a pretty easy decision to make, but i just wish it was more simple.

today i did something to help with the call God has on my heart right now. i wrote a letter to someone that will basically change our whole relationship, and unlike him, i feel like i am actually the one ending what he started to end. i just can't be two different people anymore. i refuse. easter started with the excitement of the Lord, and ended with me tossing and turning because i couldn't believe that i had grieved the heart of The One who saved me. i want to turn a complete 180, but i am choosing the flesh way too often. i know that Jesus loves me more than anything, but i want so badly to love him more every day. i just can't live as two different people.

i want the people who say they love me to know that i am falling in love with the only man who will ever know how to love me correctly - Jesus Christ. it is a love relationship that will last for my entire life, and i am excited about it. tough decisions will probably happen daily, or hourly, but i know that i can always turn to Him and there will be love.

i love you (all) very much. thanks for being patient with me.

the heartstrings are loosening.

2009-04-07T12:24:00.000-05:00

the heartstrings are loosening.

almost all undone.

this should be simpler

especially if you aren't the one.

we were happy before.

maybe that was just me.

now that it's over

i only want to be free.

if you need me to keep holding on

your words will not be convincing.

i loved the way we were back then

but my hands of you i am rinsing.

just a little poem about the place i probably should be.

the weekends should never end.

2009-04-05T19:46:00.002-05:00

best weekend i've had in quite some time. (i usually don't use this blog for recap purposes, but what the heck.)

so, friday night was super funky. 'twas lovely, to say the least. work ended, and i headed home to beautify. then off to a party with some great people. i drank a bottle of champagne which made me happy, not delusional. did a little dancing. just had a great ol time.

saturday: had an early morning hang out with my cousin (amber) and her husband (jeff) and his brother (brett). we all got breakfast at big blue bagel. delicious. then took a stroll around the beautiful campus of auburn university. hung out for a bit. then later we all went for a lunch time snack at mellow mushroom. i did all of that before 2 pm. it was a whirlwind, but my day was just beginning.

so, after hanging with the fam, i went and picked miss kelly up and we headed for her car at her bf's. hung out there for a while. then that turned into a day event of yard work with some awesome new friends. amy and i had a special project of cleaning out the front flower bed, which will be home to flowers in the near future. while cleaning out this bed, working ourselves to the bone, we came across, very abruptly, a snake! Oo, it was not a fun experience. after the serpent was obliterated, we finished as much as we could and left the rest for a different day.

after that lovely day in the yard, an amazing dinner was made and served by dan, and hang out time commenced.

sunday: yet another raining day in the good ol south. oh i am so sick of it raining so much. but went to church anyways, and loved every second of it. i am going to share in a later post just how much my life is changing these days. i am struggling with a few things, and not wanting to let go of most things, but i know my heart is changing for Jesus again. i told someone this weekend that i am trying to fall back in love with Jesus again. more on this topic to come. so church was awesome, and i hung out with kelly and maggie this afternoon because my house was invaded with people i didn't know. i always have fun with kels; she rocks.

so, my weekend was nice. encountered some rain, ate breakfast at an auburn landmark for the first time, saw some family, yelped over a snake, spend time with great new friends, drank a little much but never lost control, danced danced, and loved every minute of it. this weekend had to be documented. done.

don't worry. be happy.

2009-04-03T00:19:00.000-05:00

ya know, i really do miss someone very much.

i am learning not to worry about it though.

but i want them to know... me not worrying doesn't mean that i don't care. i care a great deal. just not worrying, like you suggested.

i'm finding that not worrying so much makes me feel a lot better. so nice to feel good again.

psh!

2009-03-28T19:02:00.000-05:00

whom ever said it was easy to let go ...

yeah. they lied.

oh me, oh my. tell it to my heart.

2009-03-26T00:28:00.000-05:00

i wish i totally understood.

i wonder how long this will take me.

i need to disconnect, but i am really not good at it.

i'm strong, most of the time.

who am i kidding?

i'm weak, most of the time.

tomorrow is another day.

this day was positive, all in all.

onward. ... right?

you do what you think you should.

you decide to do what will no longer rip your insides.

i know i have a lot to offer.

i cling to all things positive.

is it positive when it's painful?

they say i deserve better.

tell that to my heart.

my head understands all the advice.

my heart. oh, my heart.

onward. ... right?

torn like cheap linen.

2009-03-24T08:23:00.000-05:00

so i've already turned off my alarm, and it is way too cold to get out of bed, so i've decided to give ya a little update on the heart of whitney while i procrastinate the getting up process.

today's feelings:

- i'm feeling like he is a big fool for walking away.

- i'm feeling angry that i am being treated like i did this all to myself. (almost like a "no wonder..." type thing.)

- i'm feeling like being myself throughout this whole process is the key to healthy growth.

- i'm feeling that if i remain myself, i will have no room to regret decisions that i made along the way.

- i'm feeling like i must be the most unhealthy, brokenhearted individual because just the thought and beginning processes of letting go tears me up like cheap linen.

- i'm feeling like crying for things lost doesn't help to bring them back.

- i'm feeling like everyone else has the words and the answers that i can't muster up inside my head, even if i wanted to.

- i'm feeling like 'why me?'.

- i'm feeling like i seriously need to see some sort of illumination on a path here in the direct future, please.

- i'm feeling like i hate every bit of how i feel at this very moment: sad, broken, hurt, ridiculous, ...

- i'm feeling that if anyone judges me for still being in this place: 1. they don't know me enough, obviously; 2. they don't know how utterly, unabashedly, and unfortunately in-love with him that i am.

...

i can sit here all day and type emotion after emotion, and thought after thought, but i must finally get out of this warm bed and dark room and live this day. a reckon a flower would never grow in a dark room with no food. hmm. (i just had a tiny 'a-ha' moment.) so, if you are concerned for me after reading this, just wait on me and keep being my friend (thank you for being my friend), i am going to join the human-race again eventually. until then, ... you're stuck with emotional whitney. au revoir.

just one of them days...

2009-03-22T11:23:00.001-05:00

today, and yesterday, is one of those days. the kind of day when you don't feel like getting out of bed, except to drive to mcdonald's and get something crappy to eat. these days suck.

i feel like this spring break has been good and bad. i had some good days and some bad days. more good than bad, thankfully. i got a lot of good "me" time in and that was rewarding, but combined with the other days, it seemed like all the good times got cancelled out. well, maybe i shouldn't be that dramatic. i did have a good spring break. i am satisfied with that.

have you ever seen the movie Failure To Launch, with Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey? Matthew's character makes bad decision after bad decision when it comes to being in relationships with women; he tries to destroy every good relationship that he has because he is scared, or something to that affect. i feel like that is where my life is. like i am not one with nature, like i keep getting crapped on by the universe, and it is all because some guy decided that he didn't want to be in a good thing anymore. i feel like the universe keeps putting us together, and he can't handle it, but yet i am the one that keeps getting shat on.

i just want the necessary steps or rules or guidelines to the correct way to handle my life right now. i want to know if i should run away and never look back or if i should be patient. i just need a clear cut path with a sign that says, 'go that way because you won't be sorry'.

i really don't know how he handles it. i guess he has a stronger, or more callous, heart than i do. i feel very deeply about things. i don't think that is a bad quality to have, but it makes this process very difficult for me. i've got to make a change. but first, i've got to really want to. that's going to be the hardest part. |sigh|

ranting. oh so sadly ranting.

2009-03-15T23:55:00.001-05:00

tonight, i feel a tiny bit pathetic.

have you ever wanted more than you are given?

i feel like that.

like i am pathetic, and wanting more than i can attain.

i hate it.

this feeling sucks.

i wish i could be like a guy sometimes.

think like a guy.

be able to compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings.

guys are rocks.

at least they act like they have it all together.

i want to run away.

far, far away from my heart.

my heart sucks.

it doesn't give me the antidote to get over crappy emotions.

sad, stupid heart.

i'm pathetic.

i desire the unattainable.

i want to be like a guy.

i want to run away.

|sigh| i can't believe i am still in this place.

be be your love.

2009-03-13T22:55:00.003-05:00

if i could take you away

pretend i was queen

what would you say?

would you think i'm unreal?

'cause everybody's got their way i should feel

everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

want to be your everything

everything...

everything is falling, and i am included in that

oh, how i try to be just okay

yeah, but all i ever really wanted

was a little piece of you

and everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

everything will be alright

if you just stay the night

please, sir, don't you walk away, ...

and everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

yayuhh.

2009-03-11T22:48:00.001-05:00

i have zero plans for Spring Break this year. yes, i am a bit sad about it, but i've decided that it gives time to catch up on some well needed me time, as well as get some awesome artsy time in. i am into lists lately. i've been known to make them, and never actually do what they say, but i think they make me feel better. so here is my "to-maybe-do list" for Spring Break '09:

1. spring clean: (1) this room that has exploded and been neglected for ... about a week. get rid of unnecessary items that are stored in corners, drawers, and under the bed. (i just don't need this much stuff!) (2) da bafroom cauz it needz it lyke whhhoa. ;)

2. finish crocheting projects that i have put off this week +. i keep putting off something that makes me feel so calm, and that is just ... wrong.

3. paint. i have so many ideas in my head that i just need to take out on some canvas. i really have no wall space left for more paintings, so i might have to get creative on placement. hmm. soo many ideas; i can't wait!

4. take a day trip to the beach. it would be so nice to get my feet in the sand, and journal my little heart away. seeing the waves and smelling the ocean air could be just the balm i am looking for.

5. get my 35mm working again. it just needs two new tiny little batteries, and we are back in business. i am so jazzed to start taking pictures again, or for the first time really. again, no wall space, but oh well. the creativity cannot be contained anymore.

6. read a book. so many people i know are reading Twilight again, or for the first time. maybe it is because the movie is about to hit dvd. it was such a good saga, but i think i need something a little more meaty. maybe i will ask matt or jordan or kelly or micah. they will give me good ideas.

7. haircut city. i need one like whoa. OH. that reminds me. maybe i should use my massage gift card too. hmm, gotta think about that one.

8. maaaybe go to the ATL to get my macbook fixed. that one is a big maybe also, especially if i want to go to the beach.

9. possibly buy: (1) bigger plugs for my ears. shh, don't tell my momma. heh. (2) a typewriter off ebay, if the price is right. (3) a pair of Toms. my Chucks are oh so sad. (4) if i can find a flippin pair that fit me, a pair of jeans. (5) a bathing suit that i have been eyeing off VS.com.

10. work out. i think i should make it a goal to work out every morning of the break. i'm getting thinner the wrong way. need to start workin' on my fitness. heh.

so, there is my list. i hope i can do every bit of it. how fun would that be? totally awesome fun! :) so here's to hoping i can accomplish it all.

today i want ...

2009-03-10T22:45:00.001-05:00

ok, diverting away from the sad part of my heart for a moment; i want to share my current wants, not needs. desires, not necessarily attainable items. but nonetheless, i want them allllll.

1. i want to start making my own rolled beeswax candles. i need supplies first.

2. i want a vinyl record player. i do not own any records, but i want to. i do not even know how to operate the things, but i want to learn.

3. i want a sewing machine. taking my crafting to the next level would make me so happy.

4. i want a typewriter. i'm not a writer, but i think that i would use it to journal, instead of blogging. because their are times when you want to keep the heart issues to yourself.

5. if you have ever met me, or known me for any length of time, i have always wanted a 1989 Jeep Grand Wagoneer. i just got blessed with a nice car, but this car will always be my heart.

i have a lot of dreams. more to come, i'm sure. one day, i pray that money will not be an option, not so i can blow it all on material processions, but that i can enjoy the vintage items i've always wanted to have.

keeping my mouth shut.

2009-03-09T23:02:00.000-05:00

i have so much that i want to say. i can't decide if i am being smart and guarding my heart or if i am being stupid because i am not expressing how i feel. my heart is screwed up right now. i might be on the edge of depression. i think that is why i am so messed up internally. i want what i cannot have. i have more self-respect than to run back with my heart on my sleeve, fully exposed to being rejected yet again.

i wish i would be able to walk away (or run away) with my head held high, inside and out. i am happy with the honesty and the frankness, but i cannot say that i am happy with my life right now. when he walked away, i felt like a piece of my heart/my soul/my being walked away with him. the day i left that house, i never felt the same. at first, i thought it was that i was being rejected and hurt and that is was why i was feeling so wrong, but i know now that it is so much more. a piece of my heart is gone, forever. he holds it, whether he wants it or not. ha. it's kind of ironic in that sense. he doesn't want my heart, but he has it.

i know that when i am with him, i am happier. that's what sucks. SUCKS. he gets me. he knows me. we like what we like, and we laugh about it - so if it offends you, get ova it. hah. but no, seriously, i just want to tell him how i feel, but i fear the rejection. it's too unbearable, again and again. i need to find me, because with or without him, i am still working on me regardless. |sigh|

this isn't easy for me.

i talked to my mom today, and she asked me how i was. i wanted to tell her that i take two steps forward and four hundred steps back, almost, every other day. she told me to be strong and to let him work on him because it's the right thing to do, for us both. i am tired. i am tired of all the "what ifs". i want to know. i want to be told a definite. i want my best friend again.

to be clear and rational for a minute, i do know this is what is right for right now. i do know that i am a strong woman who needs to move forward in her life and work on herself, pursue her own passions, and become healthy for no one else but herself. i know all this and more.

but this is not what i want.

i struggle with this on a regular basis. please be advised that i am blogging about this and not discussing it with anyone, period. i am going to keep my heart off my sleeve. i will be happy, one day. he is what i want, but this is what i need ... what both of us need. only time will tell, but for now i am holding my tongue.

2009-03-03T22:28:00.000-06:00

do you ever get the feeling that you have been dissed or dismissed? ugh, i am feeling that way by a few people today.

i feel like i am trying really hard to be a friend and a nice person to people who might deserve a harsh word or two from me. but i figure that being hateful only produces negative feelings in me, as well as hatred and dissension. mean words only feel good when you vent, but later they don't sit well with me. after i tell someone off, i always feel guilty. maybe i am just a really emotional person who can't stand to be hurt or hurt someone else.

maybe the issue is that i feel too deeply about things that happen to me. i get really excited about things - happy emotional; i get really sad about things - martyr emotional. i understand that i am not going to escape heartache or painful, hurtful situations in my life, but i feel like i deserve a little break now and then.

i am going to keep being nice because that allows me to put my head on my pillow at night. i have to believe that it will work in my favor one day.

snow!

2009-03-01T08:00:00.004-06:00

ohhhmyygooodneesss SNOW! i love snow. i can only remember a handful of times in my life when it has actually snowed in alabama. once was in '93, in historical and infamous snow storm. hah.

i woke up this morning, a little early and not too pleased. i felt a little chilly and then it hit me. as i sat up to look out my window, i was doubtful. but i peaked out of the blinds, and i was floored. i threw back the curtain, and i am now writing this as i look out MY own window (i'm blown away).

it is snowing! really snowing! in alabama, in march! spring break is only 16 days away, and big snowflakes are raining down out my window.

this is the view from my window. not very pretty, but it proves the snow which is all that matters to me. (of course, this would be the day that my camera decided to crap out, so taking it on my computer was all i could do.)

ahh! snow! so excited about this right now! i am not sure how long it is going to stick, but it is sure beautiful right now! i had to share, to document! :)

changes ensue

2009-02-26T19:14:00.004-06:00

day 4.

today is a good day. not a lot has changed in a little over 24 hours, but i am feeling better for sure. what i've really been meditating on today is how i want my life to be like, what i want it to look like, what type of person i truly want to be. i really want to think outside of the relationship aspect of life, and just focus on myself for a while.

i talked to a good friend last night, for like forever. it was mostly computer info and food related, but we talked about relationships a couple of times. i just got to thinking if i am attractive to the type of man that i want to be attractive to. that might not make much sense. so, instead of thinking if i am attractive to men, i am going to focus on the person i want to be, and if a man is attracted to that, then ... that's cool. haha.

i am not turning myself off from relationships, but i am taking a super step back, but in the right direction. i want to be healthy, strong, able to stick to my guns about what i want with my heart and life. i know this might make me seem like i have been changing myself for men, but i think i've always been doubtful with what it is that i really want for my life. at 22, i guess i can slow my roll and take time to mull over myself: my heart, my needs, my desires, my goals, my body, ...

so basically, in a nutshell, this is me taking time for me. i'm kind of excited about it. world: wide open. anything is possible now.

caffeine cryptic-ness.

2009-02-25T14:39:00.004-06:00

i am on a lot of caffeine today (2 cups of coffee this morning). i haven't eaten anything to counteract the coffee, so i am a little wired and my mind is racing a hundred mph. here are some of the things that are racing through my head:

1. things in my life must change immediately.

2. i am not very good at sticking with "goals".

3. if i don't get into a new routine, i might lose my mind. no, seriously.

4. i am sick and beyond tired of crying myself to sleep. last night sucked.

5. i am sick of thinking my life is going to change even though i do nothing. oh, because it won't.

6. i understand that rut-dwelling is my speciality.

7. i am working on changing that fact.

8. i like my routine, and this is bad.

9. it is all about to change. just wait and see.

10. get ready, it's going to knock your socks off.

so, that seems a bit cryptic, i know. more thoughts and goals and changes are coming.

to all the people that i am hurting or are affected by my current state of ridiculousness, i am so sorry. i am tired of me, too. i love you guys.

last thought, this feels productive. a positive move. no more backwards walking for me.

bus or bicycle?

2009-02-24T11:12:00.004-06:00

i've decided that i am going to type out my feelings each day for the this entire week. not sure why, maybe as a cleansing process or something. so, this is day #2 of me getting all the stuff in my head ... out.

i am not really sure where we stand. i feel like i was on the girlfriend bus, now i am on the friend bus, but the friend bus isn't really a bus, more like a bicycle. i guess i shouldn't be surprised, nor expect anymore from the situation, but it just irritates me a tad. and, to be honest, i am not even sure being on the friend bus is a good idea in the first place. i think that i feel like if we were friends for real, i would be selfishly thinking in the back of my head about the "what ifs".

ugh, i hate every thing about breaking up with someone. it never really works out right away, there is pain, and it sucks when you think about all the great times that are just ... gone. i told myself a long time ago that regrets are ridiculous because every experience shapes who i am, and i can't be mad at my experiences. things are how they are. life is not over. my identity is not in that person. i was whitney before this relationship, and i am still whitney now that it is over. i am a little damaged, but my heart will heal. it always does.

am i a better person for knowing him? for being in this situation? for learning from all the bad times? you better believe it! i would not change anything about anything. well, other than having my love/best friend gone, my heart broken, and the future being eerily open.

i love certainties. but life isn't about certainties. i guess it's about the uncertainties that get placed in front of you and how you deal with them.

so, the question is: how am i going to deal with this one? hmmm.

... crazy little thing called love.

2009-02-23T14:53:00.003-06:00

why does someone tell you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to their life, yet they don't want to be with you anymore?

it just boggles my mind. i am seriously trying to wrap my mind around that concept, but i cannot figure it out.

i was happy.

i was myself.

i put my heart into it.

i loved.

i tried to step out of my same old ways and grow.

i had fun.

i laughed ... a lot.

i was giving.

i hoped ... maybe a little too much.

all of these things are good, and i did so much more, yet i cannot figure out why i am the one who gets shoved off. maybe i am meant to have helped, not to have exactly what i want. so many maybes, it makes my head spin.

i just want to be in a relationship with someone who does not need, and i don't want to need anything either. i just want to have a good time. do silly stuff together. laugh, a hell of a lot. fight, but talk things out like adults, and make up. spend time doing mutually fun activities. go on road trips just because. do stuff like .... eat take-out chinese food and play scrabble 'til midnight. just be happy.

i thought we were happy. i thought we were on the same page. i guess i assumed a whole lot. i find myself still wanting to be back in it. to be happy again with him. and not to be too forward or bold or future minded, but i feel like we were made for each other. (whoa, you might be thinking, but i am positive that we were made to be in each others lives. maybe for one year or maybe more. i'm not sure. but it is true.)

who knows what the future holds for my life. i am figuring out what i need and what i want. love is always around us, it is in songs, movies, tv, billboards, etc. it slaps you in the face before you can turn your face away or plug your ears. so, forgive me if i can't keep my mind off of it for an hour or a day or a week. i am just trying to figure it all out ... this crazy little thing called love.

through tears.

2009-02-15T21:52:00.002-06:00

typing through tears is next to impossible. you have to wipe your face at some point, and then the tears get all over your hands, and onto the keys. it's just plain messy and ... impossible. yet, here i sit, typing away.

my life, so far, just hasn't turned out like i think it should. only word i can think to describe it is devastating. i know that i am young. very young in fact, but it doesn't mean that i am any less sad about the events that have taken place.

this weekend, i have randomly burst into sobs (not tears). have you ever experienced that? tears are manageable, but sobs are not easily concealed. i was told once that i looked exhausted, when i felt like i was smiling and happy. that is when i knew that my "happy face" was only in my head. my face was nowhere near happy. it probably looked like my heart.

i am not really sure the point of this post. i just felt like getting my feelings out about all the crying i have done. i went through one break-up where i cried the night it happened, but after that ... not a drop until about 2 weeks later where i curled up in my bed for an hour and sobbed every last feeling out of my body and mind. but this time, controlling the tears is easier said than done. i am numb half the time, and sobbing the other.

i just want to know when i am going to be the one worth sticking around for. i am tired of being disposable. i've tried very hard to not be tainted by heartbreaks, but this heart can only break so much, surely.

finding someone who you can say that you love, no question about it, i feel is rare. i feel like saying 'i love you' is important, sacred, and beautiful. when it gets said and then followed by a 'but', it turns into daggers that pierce the soul. whether or not i find love again, i will always know that this love was real and wonderful. my heart will always be apart of it because it came from my whole self. when your love is your best friend, and they both get taken away in one fail swoop, you understand just how fragile your heart is. my heart is a puzzle that might not ever get put back exactly the same. it hurts, and the pain is immeasurable.

well, my sleeping schedule is off because i have been up for 2 nights in a row 'til 3ish. i bet i will look back on this week ahead and not remember a thing about it. i'm in a fog, a daze. one minute, i sob; the next i am singing Pink songs and wishing i had a punching bag.

obviously, this post is random thoughts. my next will be more eloquent. until then...

my macbook has a sweater!

2008-11-12T18:53:00.007-06:00

if you don't know, i absolutely love to crochet. i learned from a very sweet lady when i was 18, and it has been my outlet to vent frustrations and work through problems ever since. you might be thinking ... crocheting?... that's old-fashioned and "grandma-ish". think what you will, but it's my thing.

well, the reason for this post is to share with you my newest crocheting adventures. i finally, finally finished my afghan. it's just big and navy. i love it so much. it hasn't left my bed since i finished it on sunday night. mostly because i love it, but also because it has been a wee-bit cold.

after finishing my blanket, i felt like i needed to get my creative juices flowing again, so i combined my two favorite things that help me pass the time ... crocheting, and my macbook. therefore, i crocheted my macbook a sweater. yes, a sweater. sounds a little like a silly concept, but it turned out way cute. and besides being functional and fun, it was also a new venture for me. it turned out so well that i thought i'd share it with you. i am going to have more designs coming very soon, so keep checking. if you see something that you like, just let me know! and let me know what you think. :)

the sweater is orange, with a navy edge on the open ended side. that is a white spool of thread as the button. (basically, i didn't have a button i liked, so it works for now.) the background is my navy blanket i just finished.

close up. to show the edge, and to show how well it fits in the sleeve.

to speak? or to sleep?

2008-10-17T00:23:00.003-05:00

have you ever been upset by something, big or small, and tried to sleep on it? for me, it is impossible. i never know when it is too small to bring up, or too big to let go. i just need to get the thoughts out of my head. i'm not always looking for an apology because sometimes the issue is so tiny and all in my head that the other person has nothing to apologize for. more times than not, i just need to say my emotions and thoughts out loud to the person and just have them listen. is that selfish? i sure hope not because it is helpful.

i think it all boils down to feeling exposed and slightly ridiculous about having our emotions in the first place. i tend to apologize for feeling certain emotions, and this is wrong. they are emotions. they do not need to run your life, but they do creep in every once in a while. how you manage them is important, but they are not to be shoved in a corner, unexpressed. this can be way negative.

just something i was thinking about ...

round 2.

2008-10-10T23:14:00.003-05:00

second chances.

good?

bad?

right?

wrong?

i'm not sure.

i know one thing...

i'm willing to give it another try.

i'm putting myself out here.

what a risk i am taking.

my heart is not made of steel.

it is not ironclad.

i love very little.

but i love deeper than i should.

here i am, risking and willing.

you won't see me run.

so i've been thinking... dating vs. relationships.

2008-10-06T11:07:00.003-05:00

i've had a particular thought rolling around in my mind for the past week or so. relationships? teens and young adults (maybe more age groups, but these two i can identify with best) are always looking to be "in a relationship". every time you turn around, someone is dating someone and then they are magically in a serious, long term commitment to each other. (i know what you are thinking ... "wow, girl, you are the one to talk...". good point.) i've been guilty in my whole dating, or lack of just dating, life of only being in relationships, not just dating someone. 1 guy: 5 years. another guy, 11 months. yet another one, 8 months. i don't think i have ever casually dated someone. i don't know if i even know what it means or looks like.

my parents at one time or another have both expressed to me the thought of just dating. mom: "take it slow and steady. just date him, see if you like the person he is..." dad (when i could stand to be in the same room with him): "just date around. you don't have to be in a committed relationship. you're young. go see what's out there." this has got me wondering what the differences are in my generation where we all just want to find someone to be with long-term.

i can't help but think if it has something to do with this: (please note: this is my experience and my perspective) our parents casually dated people when they were young. they might have had a couple of serious, long-term relationships here and there, but mostly they just dated around. in doing this, they realized what they liked and didn't like in a partner which serves as a benefit. also, they probably learned to deal with rejection and loss better. then, when they were ready to be in a serious relationship, they went looking and found that special person. they married, had kids, and like most families these days, divorced. (at least that is what my family looks like.) then, because you have to pick yourself up and move along, they had to raise kids in an environment they probably didn't expect to ever create for their kids, and it was probably negative to the kids. this creates nervous feelings in the kids; like they will have relationship issues like their parents, never find that right person, be alone for the rest of their lives, etc. (subconsciously, of course.) therefore, if they find someone that they connect with, like, or love, they are going to cling hard to them, never wanting to let them go just in case something else never comes back around.

hence, no one casually dates anymore. i don't even know if i know what the benefits of casually dating are. i feel like they can only be negative. but this may be just an assumed thought from a scared mind. i do realize that i might sound completely ridiculous... like my mind has been warped because of my past. but i just wonder...

also, do we not casually date because we are scared to put ourselves out there over and over, only to possibly be rejected? i guess that would be legitimate fear. it all amounts to what you are willing to risk. also what you are willing to learn.

ehh, just a thought.

FYI: oh so much better.

2008-09-30T11:03:00.004-05:00

if anyone actually reads this blog on a regular basis ...

first of all, thanks!

secondly, i am doing oh so much better.

when people say that "things will be better", they weren't just saying that to make you feel better, it's true. i am better than i have been in weeks, months actually. i feel more alive, more myself, more at peace. i am doing what is good for me. i know that i can't control all things. i feel like i don't want to stress about the future, that it will work out the way it is supposed to.

i am sure i will have more to come soon, but for right now just know that i am good, happy, content.

p.s. it is nice to meet a man who wants to give you the world, and thinks his world is complete just because you are in it. :)

if music was an activity ... i'm participating.

2008-09-26T13:42:00.004-05:00

i'm not sure what it is with me lately, but music is all i do. i suppose if you can do music, like if music was an activity ... i am participating. make sense? so sorry if you can't follow me down my rabbit hole.

but anyways, music! i don't know if you relate to this, but most song lyrics seem to be written just for me. (i'm not gonna be repetitive, so refer to previous post.) i have found lately that certain verses or lines from songs are little slices of heaven spilling out of my speakers. i thought i would share them and my reasoning about why they hit such a cord in my heart/life. and if you don't know these songs, check them out. i like them very much.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe ... "

-- "dreaming with a broken heart" by john mayer.

lately, i don't fall asleep until midnight or later, and when i do finally drift off ... i dream. these dreams are not unpleasant. they are what i wish my life was like. the only bad part of it all is that i eventually wake up. when i do, i'm saddened by the fact that my dreams are better than my reality. this song describes me somedays. not today, but yesterday and the day before that. i have hope.

"Cause you're hot then you're cold

You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
...

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride"

-- "hot n cold" by katy perry.

hah. now please be advised: i am not a katy perry fan. i just really like this song; it applies to me. it's my only vengeful, women-power song. i crank it up every so often. i have to say, it helps.

"If you didn't notice boy you meant everything

Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok
...
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

...
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you"

-- "better in time" by leona lewis.

when i listen to this one, i just believe her. i just get in my zone. power of positive thinking, my friends!

"And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do"

-- "where i stood" by missy higgins.

if you read my last post, you know that this song means so much to me right now. missy higgins is the shizz. i truly believe that if this guy in my life would ever call, i would be there for him. no questions asked. do i know the limits? have i set boundaries? yes. yes. but walking away and working on me is what he needed to do, and it's also what i'm doing.

"the smartest thing is to give up everything

only the foolish ones will hold on, hold on

but the fight in me wants to cling to everything

say the foolish one, i hold on, i hold on"

-- "lose it all" by rush of fools.

now these guys are my buddies. i just love these lyrics. holding on to things really does make me a fool. i just have to let go. but i do, naturally, want to go right back to the way things were, but no! moving forward. looking forward.

"Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

...
Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair
I am in repair"

-- "in repair" by john mayer.

basically, i am in repair.

thanks for indulging me for a while. until next time...

music meets me in a deep place.

2008-09-21T23:12:00.003-05:00

music speaks to me. the lyrics of my favorite songs are the thoughts in my head expressed by someone i have never met. it seems like they know me and are writing to me, about me, for me, because of me, on and on. when a song hits me in a deep place, i am moved. i'm most likely to express emotions that need to be exposed... the ones that are buried.

tonight, i listen to missy higgins. she sings about all the things i feel. all the words i can't find, all the emotions i feel that i can't express, she does. she knows. she's sullen. she's what you listen to when you feel blue. and blue is my favorite color/emotion these days. it fits me well.

ok, i will share a song that i can't help but play over and over on my iTunes.

"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins.

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head

LIttle voices whispering

That I should go and this should end

Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

this song brings crocodile tears to my eyes. parts of this song apply to me, and some parts don't. all in all, i relate.

it tears me up a bit to walk away. walking away requires strength, and that is not one thing i have right now. i know i sound a bit dramatic. i am completely aware of my pathetic-ness. but as i told a friend tonight, i will bounce back. "the best is yet to come."

heartbroken.

2008-09-14T11:28:00.005-05:00

over the past day and a half, i have been trying to figure out so many things. one major question i have been pondering is what is the difference this time? what makes this heartbreak different than other ones i have had? not much. the pain is exactly the same. it doesn't hurt any more or any less. it just hurts, plain and simple. the only difference i can pinpoint is that this time, i don't feel as though my life is over. i don't feel like i am suffocating; i don't feel like i am dying a slow and painful death. sounds a bit dramatic, i am aware of that, but i have been through painful times, and this one is no different.

i want to change all of this. i want to go back. the good times were so good. the rough times were few, and they were special in their own right. i am sad. i am laying on my bed, my room is a complete mess. i want to move. i want to get up and shower and go shopping or have lunch with friends. my body is permanently glued to this bed i am afraid. life will go on, life will work itself out the way it is suppose to. but first, i have to actually figure out how i am going to live my life. if i can't move from the position i am in, if i have no strength to shower or even pee i am not going to be able to improve my life or live at all.

i have the tendency to get down on myself. "why do i put myself through all this?" "is love really worth all this pain?" "never again! no man is worth this awful hurt i feel in my stomach!" but thinking all these things seems a bit ridiculous in my mind. i just need time. "I JUST NEED TIME!" i officially hate that sentence. but it is the truth.

i don't want to just shake off this feeling/pain. i need to live in it. i need to work through it. i can't just avoid it. i also can't wallow in it forever either. i just need to be able to have time to let it all sink in.

deep down, all i want to do is talk to my best friend. this fact scares the crap out of me.

"it's over, move on." listen! i'm working on it, ok?

2008-09-12T22:13:00.003-05:00

well. tonight was one for the books, my friends. my best friend and i are no longer together. my heart just hurts down deep, so deep in fact that i can't even begin to know where it ends or begins. i am full of so many emotions at the moment. i feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my mind because i felt as though something was just not right with us for a solid week now, and it spilled over into all my thoughts, consumed my mind and heart like the plague. i lost my appetite completely, convinced myself that my hair was falling out at rapid rates, and was sure an ulcer was forming in my gut. i feel like yet again i am in the same place: the place that sucks, the place where you try and try and it is just not enough. (ok, now i am just being hard on myself... "poor, poor pitiful me", and i am stopping.) i feel like i have been given a gift in a way. he was so honest with me that it is painful to think about how i reacted (so selfishly). he needs this time, this time to be with himself. i can't change that fact. i can't make him stay with me, make him love me, or even make him let me show him all the love in my heart. we would be miserable; i would be a wreck; he would be so disinterested, it wouldn't be funny. the time that we were together were some of my happiest moments in my whole life. i will never forget how much fun and laughter we shared.

as i sit here and think about the "suckiness" of this whole deal, i am reminded of so many cliche quotes. "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." "all good things must come to an end." "love hurts." and i am sure i will think of more soon. hah.

it is really interesting how much people are interested in love. love is powerful. love takes work. love also seems so flippant in the minds of the masses these days. "women give sex for love; men give love for sex." all that crap. i am just the kind that loves deeper than i should sometimes. i let my heart and my emotions run too much at times. (not to say that it reflects on this situation, but i'm just saying.)

i told my mom tonight that it always seems like the "good girls" get hurt like this. and she quickly said back, "everyone, at one time or another, gets hurt like this, it is just the way it goes. but you should be glad you are a good girl because if you were a bad one you would get hurt and be worse off." i am also young. i don't have to have my whole life planned to a T at 21. life will not stop, and my world will not be ruined if i don't get married right out of college or even a few years on into my life. i just need to be ok in myself, first and foremost. and i think that is what he needs more than anything. he just needs to find out who he is because how can you love someone if you are truly unhappy? i am learning that myself.

so enough rambling because i could be here all dang night. last thoughts: this is a good thing. no amount of tears (which there have been many tonight) are going to make what he needs change or better. i am strong. i am myself: happy with him, happy without him. before i knew him i was me, and guess what? i am still me after it all.

time. "time heals all wounds." i pray time is good to us both ... separately.

4th year. feeling a bit old.

2008-08-18T19:58:00.002-05:00

today was day one of my 4th year in college. i really can't believe that i am in this place already. already!! it absolutely blows my mind. not only do i feel pressure from my mom to finish school like right now, but i feel the pressure of what the heck i am gonna do once i finish this college thing. to think about it all at one time is completely overwhelming. therefore, i write to get it out and put it away for tonight.

i was sitting in my college today (spidle) flitting through my syllabi and planner planning out my life for the semester, and these two girls were sitting across from me chit chatting about their lives. i figured out within 30 seconds that they were freshman. one of the girls said something that just took me back: "i moved in on friday, and i am already homesick". my first thought was that i don't even remember what being homesick feels like. when i came to college i was over-the-moon about being on my own that i didn't feel the "homesickness" for a lonnng while after, if at all. but that is really not what hit me the most. i was just sitting there listening to them talk and i got to thinking how college isn't new and exciting like it used to be. sure, i was a bit nervous, but the feelings faded quickly as i went throughout my day.

i just can't believe that i am a 4th year (and i say 4th year because i am not a senior, i am actually in my 2nd semester of my junior year, but i want people to know that i have been at this college thing for 4 years). i never have felt so old. it might all sound weird and maybe a bit dramatic, but it was an honest feeling and it just rocked my world this morning.

on a different note, i'm still a bit apprehensive about this semester. i wish i had a mirror, a looking glass you could say, to look into the future and see what it all holds. i am feeling a little bit like i want to control all. when people feel the need to control, that means that things are feeling out of control, but i don't feel that they are. i think that it is because things are so new and i am a bit out of my element, out of my old routine, needing to establish a new one. maybe that will help me a lot, a routine. hmm. interesting.

oh well, can't figure it all out in a day or an evening or in a blog post. my heart beats fast when i think of all the things i am unsure about. ahh. i guess i should end this thing now to stop thinking about all of this. don't get me wrong, i'm thrilled about school and this semester. it's gonna be an adventure.

new room = awesome!

2008-07-29T16:53:00.003-05:00

my new bedroom rocks.

it is cozy.

it might seem small to most, but i love it small.

my bed looks huge.

it is oddly more comfortable now.

i have a lot of stuff.

it all fits into my closet perfectly now, with a little room to grow.

i feel like this room is more me.

it is gonna be a good year.

i'm jazzed.

yay for new spaces.

my best friend.

2008-07-17T18:59:00.006-05:00

best friend (n.) - the one friend who is closest to you.

meet my best friend (aka mas: my boyfriend, greatest man i know):

*i've never known someone who was so easy to be around. i could be with him for hours, even days, and never be tired or want him to leave.

*we laugh. he makes me laugh. if you are around him for 5 mins., you will be laughing.

*he has taught me to trust. i have never known how to trust anyone, but he has taught me that to trust can be possible, and easy. trusting him is easy.

*he is gorgeous, inside and out. i love everything about his body (might as well be blunt). he doesn't even understand how handsome i think he is.

*he knows how to speak his mind and does it with passion. i aspire to be like him.

*he is the smartest man i know.

*he knows himself. he is comfortable in his own skin. (no wonder other's want to be like him.)

*i am a better person when he is around. he brings out the best in me, to say the least.

*he loves deeply. tough on the outside, but has a heart of gold that is indescribable, undeniable.

*with just one look, he gives me butterflies, even still.

*he looks awesome in these one pair of blue jeans he has. he looks great in everything, but them jeans are ... whew. :P

*he is always pushing me to be better without actually pushing. he makes me want to be a better woman. (cliche, to the max. true nonetheless.)

*he loves music like it is going out of style. he has enriched my musical taste-buds, thankfully.

*i've never met a more talented guitarist. he would probably say to that comment that i haven't been out much, but i think he has more talent than he gives himself credit for.

*he is wildly nostalgic. it makes me want to hear all his stories, know all his favorite things. i want to see the places he loves, all the places he has ever loved. (insert lyrics from a rascal flatts song here.)

*he loves his family. it is obvious. his grandfather means the world to him. it is beautiful the relationship they have. to a person with no real connection to their own grandparents, i am touched by their closeness.

*he has the silliest "ticks". he does things subconsciously that make me smile. (i.e. rubs his fingers together when he is thinking ...)

*tears come to my eyes when i think of all the sweet things he does. he holds my hand in the car, and i get butterflies every time. he pulls me close, and my heart races.

all synonyms in the thesaurus for the word perfect aren't enough to describe him.

he has me ... hook, line, and sinker.

he told me on our 3rd? date, "you're in my head. ... i want to be the man in those pictures in your room. ... you're what i've been looking for."

i'm so glad i met him. he has made/is making my life richer and happier and full(er).

i didn't expect to meet my best friend that random night, but that is how it is suppose to happen. it is sweeter that way.

i just want him to know that he is my best friend.

7 months. oh, it's been awe-some! all i gotta say is ... "ya fired."

1. my frustration with me.

2008-07-16T22:14:00.007-05:00

two blogs in one day, oh my.

more times than not, i am wishing my life were different in some way. well, that is a little extreme because i love my life and everyone in it. but sometimes overwhelming thoughts come into my head when i am by myself. if i am by myself, i want to not be. i feel alone, unloved, undesirable, ... if i am with someone, i am happy, content, okay ... but when i am alone, i fight feelings that i hate. i struggle with this a whole lot.

i ask myself this question: why aren't you content just being with yourself?

being content, attaining contentment, is painful at times. blah, i should just be alright with being with myself. why am i just not sometimes? it makes no sense. i want to be active and around people all the time. obviously, i just don't like this about myself.

i look at people in my life, and they all seem so content just being alone. i wonder if they really are.

since i can remember, i have always wanted to be around people. maybe it has something to do with being an only child and having to entertain myself all the time when i was young. i just would rather be out with friends or with my boyfriend than sitting on my bed ... not being able to sleep. some might say, "it is only natural to feel that way." but i find it totally frustrating.

also, i feel as though people can see right through me and my discontentment. i feel like you can see that i am grasping at straws to get out of my house and do something. i hate this, too. i don't allow people to come to me because i am just so focused on getting out and having plans that i jump the gun and ask before others have the chance. i need to be slapped. it just might do some good.

i need help. i need someone to tell me that i am not crazy. or maybe i should just realize myself that i am not crazy. ugh.

all my thoughts are out, and i am still unhappy with sitting here by myself. yuck.

disclaimer.

2008-07-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

i find myself not writing when i have every reason to write. there are days when i feel as though my life is too good to have anything to complain about; this is when i should write the most. i don't though. i write only when the bad days come. when i am frustrated or angry or need someone to talk to, that is when i write best.

this fact disturbs me. that is why i have set up this blog. i don't mind if a thousand people read it or just me. i have set this blog up for selfish purposes, for writing purposes. i desire a lot for my life, and this is where i will pen those desires so to never let them fade away.

i am not, as you can most likely see, a good writer by any means. i don't have fancy skills or even fancy words. please do not read this blog with the intention of being blown away or taught something new. i am simple, this blog is simple. simple as that.

all of that being said ...