4th year. feeling a bit old.

today was day one of my 4th year in college.  i really can't believe that i am in this place already. already!!  it absolutely blows my mind.  not only do i feel pressure from my mom to finish school like right now, but i feel the pressure of what the heck i am gonna do once i finish this college thing.  to think about it all at one time is completely overwhelming.  therefore, i write to get it out and put it away for tonight.

i was sitting in my college today (spidle) flitting through my syllabi and planner planning out my life for the semester, and these two girls were sitting across from me chit chatting about their lives.  i figured out within 30 seconds that they were freshman.  one of the girls said something that just took me back: "i moved in on friday, and i am already homesick".  my first thought was that i don't even remember what being homesick feels like.  when i came to college i was over-the-moon about being on my own that i didn't feel the "homesickness" for a lonnng while after, if at all.  but that is really not what hit me the most.  i was just sitting there listening to them talk and i got to thinking how college isn't new and exciting like it used to be.  sure, i was a bit nervous, but the feelings faded quickly as i went throughout my day. 

i just can't believe that i am a 4th year (and i say 4th year because i am not a senior, i am actually in my 2nd semester of my junior year, but i want people to know that i have been at this college thing for 4 years).  i never have felt so old.  it might all sound weird and maybe a bit dramatic, but it was an honest feeling and it just rocked my world this morning. 

on a different note, i'm still a bit apprehensive about this semester.  i wish i had a mirror, a looking glass you could say, to look into the future and see what it all holds.  i am feeling a little bit like i want to control all.  when people feel the need to control, that means that things are feeling out of control, but i don't feel that they are.  i think that it is because things are so new and i am a bit out of my element, out of my old routine, needing to establish a new one.  maybe that will help me a lot, a routine.  hmm.  interesting.  

oh well, can't figure it all out in a day or an evening or in a blog post.  my heart beats fast when i think of all the things i am unsure about. ahh. i guess i should end this thing now to stop thinking about all of this.  don't get me wrong, i'm thrilled about school and this semester.  it's gonna be an adventure.