desperate. hopeless. fearful. loved?

it's interesting to me how i started this day completely unhappy with myself and my life, and am ending it with a rapidly beating heart that is waiting to see what the Lord has in store.

ok, so that sentence really didn't make much sense to anyone but me i'm sure. basically, i've been extremely apathetic lately. i have allowed the complacency to creep in like the tide, and before i knew it, i was completely soaked through. God has not been the center of my world; I have been the center of my world. this has opened the door for a multitude of bad decisions and in the wake of that, shutting out God because of the feelings of inadequacy, shame, and fear. i am not worthy to be loved by Him, yet He loves me freely, without fail and contingencies. i have never known love like this, and i run from it half the time because i have yet to learn to accept His love and not abuse it. i heard a quote recently that went something like this: "God's patience is not an excuse for our procrastination." it hit me square between the eyes, and yet i still walked away like i had never heard it in the first place. how in the world are we as seeking people able to completely turn a blinded eye to the most incredible creator and lover this world has ever known?

i am feeling like God is about to move in my life in a major way. i really can't wait and i really can't understand why He would ever love me so much to do so. sitting idly by and waiting for God to do something while i run around like He can't see how i live is no longer going to work for me. i believe it is Paul who refers to himself as the "chief of sinners." if Paul is the chief, well i am not too far behind him. i feel completely inadequate as a lover and follower of Christ because i am too consumed in my own life to even acknowledge God for more than a breath in my day. how can a God so perfect and so holy ever want to love me?

i just want to honor Him. for heavens sake, i just want to do His will and live for Him.

i told myself a while back that i never want to forget the sin i was in because i never want to forget the people that are still in it. yet, over and over, i find myself right back where i was.

it's scary to say, "God, here am i. all of me. take my life. it's all for Thee." but this is my hearts cry. deep down in my soul, God beckons me. He whispers. He gently tugs. i run faster to His feet. seeking. praying. loving. hoping. desiring. reconciling. groaning. rejoicing. praising.

i know nothing of how this is going to go down, but i know that i cannot continue to be apathetic towards God, talk out of two sides of my mouth, and only "loving" people in words not actions.

me. silent. aware of my desperate need for Thee. desperate. hopeless without You. called. arms wide and heart abandoned. ready to be moved by the mover of mountains and creator of all.

ready. set. go.

the latest and the greatest.

probably my favorite thing i've crocheted so far.

express yourself. create something new.

summer creation. lined clutch.

newest creations. leg warmers.

bow hair clip.

my anthem at the moment.

so faithful, so constant
so loving and so true
so powerful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

i know that You are for me
i know that You are for me
i know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
i know that You have come down
even if to write upon my heart
to remind me who You are

so patient, so gracious
so merciful and true

so wonderful in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

i know that You are for me
i know that You are for me
i know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
i know that You have come down
even if to write upon my heart
to remind me who You are

"You are for me" by kari jobe.

been a long time. here's some thoughts.

wow. it's been a great and lovely summer. obviously i haven't posted something the entire summer long, but in a nutshell, it might be the best summer of college so far. well, i guess i should say it has probably been my most adventurous. gotta love getting out of a rut and actually experiencing new things. whoohoo!

there is a point to this post. i've been pondering the idea of love and marriage lately. if you know me at all, you're probably thinking "lately?" haha, but no really, i've been thinking about it with a level head. i was asked recently if i believe there is just one person i am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i felt like that was a loaded question. well, more thought provoking than loaded, but still a doozy.

my thoughts: so far, in my 22 years of life, i have been "unlucky" in love. i enjoyed my past relationships, and i know that i have learned SO much about: men, relationships, what i deserve and what i am looking for, myself, etc etc. do i believe that there is just one man that is out there that i have yet to meet, that will just sweep me off my feet and we will live happily ever after? no. do i believe that God has ordained a man and set him aside for me to marry? yes, i do. have i already met him? who knows! wouldn't that be a trip! hah.

i also get to thinking, will i know, just have a "feeling", like 'love at first sight'? do i even believe in 'love at first sight'? so many questions, and zero answers. i am in the place where i am ready to have questions answered. is that too much to ask? ;)

i'm excited to start my 5th year of college. last semester of classes kicks off in 7 days. whoohoo! bring it on! excited for what this school year has to offer.

"You are great, and Your name is to be praised!"

thoughts.

today i finished blue like jazz for the second time: my first time being two summers ago. i'm not much of a writer, nor have i ever been very good at book reports. (got a D once reporting on to kill a mockingbird, or was it the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe? regardless, i got a D.) therefore, my thoughts on blue like jazz are going to be just that, thoughts.

i love the way that donald miller writes. i feel like he is telling me his story, his heart, and his mind without making me feel like he is breathing down my neck or sugar coating any idea about God. it's really refreshing to have someone be so real about their struggles and their experiences with God. i guess i want to be just as transparent with people about my own life. i want people to realize that i am just a sinner, who is loved by a great God, and who is trying my darnedest to love people the way i am so undeservingly loved. (by the way, i stink at this loving stuff ... all the time. just ask anyone who knows me.)

in the book, don talks about love. one of my favorite quotes says,

"i loved the fact that it wasn't my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God's, that my part was just to communicate love and approval."

he goes onto say in the next paragraph:

"the Bible says that if you talk to somebody with your mouth, and your heart does not love them, that you are like a person standing there smashing two cymbals together. You are only annoying everybody around you."

also, and i love this so much:

"... instead of withholding love to change somebody, i poured it on, lavishly. i hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing. i knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson."

i am constantly learning new things about God. i know i have zero figured out, but i figure seeking and wondering is better than not seeking or wondering.

there is such a part of me that doesn't understand any of this God stuff still. i've heard about it all my life, no joke, and it still messes me up and sends me to weird places every now and again. in blj, don talks about how he fell in love with Jesus again by reading the Gospels (matt., mark, luke, and john). during the easter season, i read all four accounts of the days prior, the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. it changed me. moved something inside of me. i feel as though that was the time i fell in love with Jesus again. have i been perfect? no. have i sucked at "christianity" since then? yes. has my heart for Jesus changed? no.

i wonder if this is part of the puzzle to really loving Him. being completely aware of my faults, my doubts, my bad areas, but submitting them to Him because He is the only one who can bring me life.

i just want to love people like i am loved. i just want to show people that God is real because He is real to me. i just want to be a little part of something grand, step outside of myself for a change.

i thank God for the words he gave donald miller. blue like jazz is a great book, and i totally recommend it to every person, believer or not. it's worth reading, just to get a different perspective of God and hear someone talk about their journey getting to Him.

my heart is to understand love the way that Jesus showed it/gives it. this world, my world and heart would be a better place if this love could be shown as abundantly.

i'm happy. the end.

summer. so far, i have figured out that i have no clue how i want to spend my summer. i figure that i want to read a lot of interesting books, paint unabashedly, crochet new patterns and designs, travel, and preferably get a tan. deep into week one, i have yet to crack open a book for more than five minutes, touch my brushes to paint, and so on and so forth. work has consumed me. hanging out with friends has become more of a priority. oh well, i guess that i will work towards my summer goals next week, or possibly this weekend at the earliest.

i just want to touch on a few emotions or thoughts, a little more me-blog-like. i am becoming more reflective lately. i want to look at situations more carefully before taking a step forward or running away completely. i also want to actually become a different person, like i say that i am. i feel like i talk a lot of talk, but when pushed into a situation or left subject to my own thoughts, i am the same ... lost and scared and clingy and petrified and prideful and fearful and hopeless. but in jesus, i am so much more than i actually am: confident and reflective and careful and hopeful and at ease and ok being alone and much more. it's just an interesting time right now. so many of my friends have left, and i am trying to be ok with hanging out with myself most of the time. in short, life is good. things are good. i am good.

just a little update. :) i'm happy. the end.