to speak? or to sleep?

have you ever been upset by something, big or small, and tried to sleep on it?  for me, it is impossible.  i never know when it is too small to bring up, or too big to let go.  i just need to get the thoughts out of my head.  i'm not always looking for an apology because sometimes the issue is so tiny and all in my head that the other person has nothing to apologize for.  more times than not, i just need to say my emotions and thoughts out loud to the person and just have them listen.  is that selfish?  i sure hope not because it is helpful.  

i think it all boils down to feeling exposed and slightly ridiculous about having our emotions in the first place.  i tend to apologize for feeling certain emotions, and this is wrong.  they are emotions. they do not need to run your life, but they do creep in every once in a while.  how you manage them is important, but they are not to be shoved in a corner, unexpressed.  this can be way negative. 

just something i was thinking about ... 

round 2.

second chances.

good?

bad?

right?

wrong?

i'm not sure. 

i know one thing...

i'm willing to give it another try. 

i'm putting myself out here.

what a risk i am taking.

my heart is not made of steel. 

it is not ironclad.

i love very little.

but i love deeper than i should.

here i am, risking and willing.

you won't see me run.

so i've been thinking... dating vs. relationships.

i've had a particular thought rolling around in my mind for the past week or so.  relationships?  teens and young adults (maybe more age groups, but these two i can identify with best) are always looking to be "in a relationship".  every time you turn around, someone is dating someone and then they are magically in a serious, long term commitment to each other.  (i know what you are thinking ... "wow, girl, you are the one to talk...".  good point.)  i've been guilty in my whole dating, or lack of just dating, life of only being in relationships, not just dating someone.  1 guy: 5 years. another guy, 11 months. yet another one, 8 months.  i don't think i have ever casually dated someone.  i don't know if i even know what it means or looks like. 

my parents at one time or another have both expressed to me the thought of just dating.  mom: "take it slow and steady.  just date him, see if you like the person he is..." dad (when i could stand to be in the same room with him): "just date around. you don't have to be in a committed relationship.  you're young.  go see what's out there." this has got me wondering what the differences are in my generation where we all just want to find someone to be with long-term.  

i can't help but think if it has something to do with this:  (please note: this is my experience and my perspective) our parents casually dated people when they were young.  they might have had a couple of serious, long-term relationships here and there, but mostly they just dated around.  in doing this, they realized what they liked and didn't like in a partner which serves as a benefit.  also, they probably learned to deal with rejection and loss better.  then, when they were ready to be in a serious relationship, they went looking and found that special person.  they married, had kids, and like most families these days, divorced.  (at least that is what my family looks like.)  then, because you have to pick yourself up and move along, they had to raise kids in an environment they probably didn't expect to ever create for their kids, and it was probably negative to the kids.  this creates nervous feelings in the kids; like they will have relationship issues like their parents, never find that right person, be alone for the rest of their lives, etc.  (subconsciously, of course.)  therefore, if they find someone that they connect with, like, or love, they are going to cling hard to them, never wanting to let them go just in case something else never comes back around.  

hence, no one casually dates anymore.  i don't even know if i know what the benefits of casually dating are.  i feel like they can only be negative.  but this may be just an assumed thought from a scared mind.  i do realize that i might sound completely ridiculous... like my mind has been warped because of my past.  but i just wonder... 

also, do we not casually date because we are scared to put ourselves out there over and over, only to possibly be rejected?  i guess that would be legitimate fear.  it all amounts to what you are willing to risk.  also what you are willing to learn.  

ehh, just a thought.