new room = awesome!

my new bedroom rocks.

it is cozy. 

it might seem small to most, but i love it small.

my bed looks huge.

it is oddly more comfortable now.

i have a lot of stuff.

it all fits into my closet perfectly now, with a little room to grow.

i feel like this room is more me.

it is gonna be a good year.

i'm jazzed.

yay for new spaces.

my best friend.

best friend (n.) - the one friend who is closest to you.

meet my best friend (aka mas: my boyfriend, greatest man i know):

*i've never known someone who was so easy to be around. i could be with him for hours, even days, and never be tired or want him to leave.

*we laugh. he makes me laugh. if you are around him for 5 mins., you will be laughing.

*he has taught me to trust. i have never known how to trust anyone, but he has taught me that to trust can be possible, and easy. trusting him is easy.

*he is gorgeous, inside and out. i love everything about his body (might as well be blunt). he doesn't even understand how handsome i think he is.

*he knows how to speak his mind and does it with passion. i aspire to be like him.

*he is the smartest man i know. 

*he knows himself. he is comfortable in his own skin. (no wonder other's want to be like him.)

*i am a better person when he is around. he brings out the best in me, to say the least.

*he loves deeply. tough on the outside, but has a heart of gold that is indescribable, undeniable. 

*with just one look, he gives me butterflies, even still.

*he looks awesome in these one pair of blue jeans he has. he looks great in everything, but them jeans are ... whew. :P

*he is always pushing me to be better without actually pushing. he makes me want to be a better woman. (cliche, to the max. true nonetheless.)

*he loves music like it is going out of style. he has enriched my musical taste-buds, thankfully.

*i've never met a more talented guitarist. he would probably say to that comment that i haven't been out much, but i think he has more talent than he gives himself credit for. 

*he is wildly nostalgic. it makes me want to hear all his stories, know all his favorite things. i want to see the places he loves, all the places he has ever loved. (insert lyrics from a rascal flatts song here.)

*he loves his family. it is obvious. his grandfather means the world to him. it is beautiful the relationship they have. to a person with no real connection to their own grandparents, i am touched by their closeness. 

*he has the silliest "ticks". he does things subconsciously that make me smile. (i.e. rubs his fingers together when he is thinking ...)

*tears come to my eyes when i think of all the sweet things he does. he holds my hand in the car, and i get butterflies every time. he pulls me close, and my heart races.

all synonyms in the thesaurus for the word perfect aren't enough to describe him.

he has me ... hook, line, and sinker. 

he told me on our 3rd? date, "you're in my head. ... i want to be the man in those pictures in your room. ... you're what i've been looking for." 

i'm so glad i met him. he has made/is making my life richer and happier and full(er).

i didn't expect to meet my best friend that random night, but that is how it is suppose to happen. it is sweeter that way.

i just want him to know that he is my best friend.

7 months. oh, it's been awe-some! all i gotta say is ... "ya fired." 

1. my frustration with me.

two blogs in one day, oh my.

 

more times than not, i am wishing my life were different in some way. well, that is a little extreme because i love my life and everyone in it. but sometimes overwhelming thoughts come into my head when i am by myself. if i am by myself, i want to not be. i feel alone, unloved, undesirable, ... if i am with someone, i am happy, content, okay ... but when i am alone, i fight feelings that i hate. i struggle with this a whole lot. 

i ask myself this question: why aren't you content just being with yourself? 

being content, attaining contentment, is painful at times. blah, i should just be alright with being with myself. why am i just not sometimes? it makes no sense. i want to be active and around people all the time. obviously, i just don't like this about myself.

i look at people in my life, and they all seem so content just being alone. i wonder if they really are. 

since i can remember, i have always wanted to be around people. maybe it has something to do with being an only child and having to entertain myself all the time when i was young. i just would rather be out with friends or with my boyfriend than sitting on my bed ... not being able to sleep. some might say, "it is only natural to feel that way." but i find it totally frustrating. 

also, i feel as though people can see right through me and my discontentment. i feel like you can see that i am grasping at straws to get out of my house and do something. i hate this, too. i don't allow people to come to me because i am just so focused on getting out and having plans that i jump the gun and ask before others have the chance. i need to be slapped. it just might do some good.

i need help. i need someone to tell me that i am not crazy. or maybe i should just realize myself that i am not crazy. ugh.

all my thoughts are out, and i am still unhappy with sitting here by myself. yuck.

disclaimer.

i find myself not writing when i have every reason to write.  there are days when i feel as though my life is too good to have anything to complain about; this is when i should write the most.  i don't though.  i write only when the bad days come.  when i am frustrated or angry or need someone to talk to, that is when i write best. 

this fact disturbs me.  that is why i have set up this blog.  i don't mind if a thousand people read it or just me.  i have set this blog up for selfish purposes, for writing purposes.  i desire a lot for my life, and this is where i will pen those desires so to never let them fade away.  

i am not, as you can most likely see, a good writer by any means.  i don't have fancy skills or even fancy words.  please do not read this blog with the intention of being blown away or taught something new.  i am simple, this blog is simple. simple as that. 

all of that being said ...