more times than not, i am wishing my life were different in some way. well, that is a little extreme because i love my life and everyone in it. but sometimes overwhelming thoughts come into my head when i am by myself. if i am by myself, i want to not be. i feel alone, unloved, undesirable, ... if i am with someone, i am happy, content, okay ... but when i am alone, i fight feelings that i hate. i struggle with this a whole lot.
i ask myself this question: why aren't you content just being with yourself?
being content, attaining contentment, is painful at times. blah, i should just be alright with being with myself. why am i just not sometimes? it makes no sense. i want to be active and around people all the time. obviously, i just don't like this about myself.
i look at people in my life, and they all seem so content just being alone. i wonder if they really are.
since i can remember, i have always wanted to be around people. maybe it has something to do with being an only child and having to entertain myself all the time when i was young. i just would rather be out with friends or with my boyfriend than sitting on my bed ... not being able to sleep. some might say, "it is only natural to feel that way." but i find it totally frustrating.
also, i feel as though people can see right through me and my discontentment. i feel like you can see that i am grasping at straws to get out of my house and do something. i hate this, too. i don't allow people to come to me because i am just so focused on getting out and having plans that i jump the gun and ask before others have the chance. i need to be slapped. it just might do some good.
i need help. i need someone to tell me that i am not crazy. or maybe i should just realize myself that i am not crazy. ugh.
all my thoughts are out, and i am still unhappy with sitting here by myself. yuck.
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