FYI: oh so much better.

if anyone actually reads this blog on a regular basis ...

first of all, thanks! 

secondly, i am doing oh so much better. 

when people say that "things will be better", they weren't just saying that to make you feel better, it's true.  i am better than i have been in weeks, months actually.  i feel more alive, more myself, more at peace.  i am doing what is good for me.  i know that i can't control all things.  i feel like i don't want to stress about the future, that it will work out the way it is supposed to.  

i am sure i will have more to come soon, but for right now just know that i am good, happy, content.  

p.s. it is nice to meet a man who wants to give you the world, and thinks his world is complete just because you are in it. :)

if music was an activity ... i'm participating.

i'm not sure what it is with me lately, but music is all i do.  i suppose if you can do music, like if music was an activity ... i am participating.  make sense?  so sorry if you can't follow me down my rabbit hole.  

but anyways, music!  i don't know if you relate to this, but most song lyrics seem to be written just for me.  (i'm not gonna be repetitive, so refer to previous post.)  i have found lately that certain verses or lines from songs are little slices of heaven spilling out of my speakers.  i thought i would share them and my reasoning about why they hit such a cord in my heart/life.  and if you don't know these songs, check them out.  i like them very much.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe ... "

-- "dreaming with a broken heart" by john mayer.

lately, i don't fall asleep until midnight or later, and when i do finally drift off ... i dream. these dreams are not unpleasant. they are what i wish my life was like.  the only bad part of it all is that i eventually wake up. when i do, i'm saddened by the fact that my dreams are better than my reality.  this song describes me somedays. not today, but yesterday and the day before that.  i have hope.

"Cause you're hot then you're cold 

You're yes then you're no 
You're in then you're out 
You're up then you're down 
...

Someone call the doctor 
Got a case of a love bi-polar 
Stuck on a roller coaster 
Can't get off this ride"

-- "hot n cold" by katy perry.

hah. now please be advised: i am not a katy perry fan.  i just really like this song; it applies to me.  it's my only vengeful, women-power song.  i crank it up every so often.  i have to say, it helps. 

"If you didn't notice boy you meant everything

Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok
...
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to 
It'll all get better in time

...
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go 
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be 
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you"

-- "better in time" by leona lewis.

when i listen to this one, i just believe her.  i just get in my zone.  power of positive thinking, my friends!  

"And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself 
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do"

-- "where i stood" by missy higgins.

if you read my last post, you know that this song means so much to me right now.  missy higgins is the shizz.  i truly believe that if this guy in my life would ever call, i would be there for him.  no questions asked.  do i know the limits? have i set boundaries? yes. yes. but walking away and working on me is what he needed to do, and it's also what i'm doing. 

"the smartest thing is to give up everything

only the foolish ones will hold on, hold on

but the fight in me wants to cling to everything

say the foolish one, i hold on, i hold on"

-- "lose it all" by rush of fools.

now these guys are my buddies.  i just love these lyrics.  holding on to things really does make me a fool.  i just have to let go.  but i do, naturally, want to go right back to the way things were, but no!  moving forward. looking forward. 

"Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

...
Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair
I am in repair"

-- "in repair" by john mayer.

basically, i am in repair.  

thanks for indulging me for a while.  until next time...

music meets me in a deep place.

music speaks to me.  the lyrics of my favorite songs are the thoughts in my head expressed by someone i have never met.  it seems like they know me and are writing to me, about me, for me, because of me, on and on.  when a song hits me in a deep place, i am moved.  i'm most likely to express emotions that need to be exposed... the ones that are buried.  

tonight, i listen to missy higgins.  she sings about all the things i feel. all the words i can't find, all the emotions i feel that i can't express, she does.  she knows.  she's sullen.  she's what you listen to when you feel blue.  and blue is my favorite color/emotion these days.  it fits me well.  

ok, i will share a song that i can't help but play over and over on my iTunes.  

"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins.

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head

LIttle voices whispering

That I should go and this should end

Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

this song brings crocodile tears to my eyes. parts of this song apply to me, and some parts don't.  all in all, i relate.  

it tears me up a bit to walk away. walking away requires strength, and that is not one thing i have right now.  i know i sound a bit dramatic.  i am completely aware of my pathetic-ness.  but as i told a friend tonight, i will bounce back.  "the best is yet to come." 

heartbroken.

over the past day and a half, i have been trying to figure out so many things.  one major question i have been pondering is what is the difference this time?  what makes this heartbreak different than other ones i have had?  not much.  the pain is exactly the same. it doesn't hurt any more or any less.  it just hurts, plain and simple.  the only difference i can pinpoint is that this time, i don't feel as though my life is over.  i don't feel like i am suffocating; i don't feel like i am dying a slow and painful death.  sounds a bit dramatic, i am aware of that, but i have been through painful times, and this one is no different.  

i want to change all of this.  i want to go back.  the good times were so good.  the rough times were few, and they were special in their own right.  i am sad.  i am laying on my bed, my room is a complete mess.  i want to move. i want to get up and shower and go shopping or have lunch with friends.  my body is permanently glued to this bed i am afraid.  life will go on, life will work itself out the way it is suppose to.  but first, i have to actually figure out how i am going to live my life.  if i can't move from the position i am in, if i have no strength to shower or even pee i am not going to be able to improve my life or live at all.  

i have the tendency to get down on myself.  "why do i put myself through all this?" "is love really worth all this pain?" "never again! no man is worth this awful hurt i feel in my stomach!"  but thinking all these things seems a bit ridiculous in my mind.  i just need time. "I JUST NEED TIME!" i officially hate that sentence. but it is the truth. 

i don't want to just shake off this feeling/pain.  i need to live in it.  i need to work through it.  i can't just avoid it.  i also can't wallow in it forever either.  i just need to be able to have time to let it all sink in.  

deep down, all i want to do is talk to my best friend.  this fact scares the crap out of me.  

"it's over, move on."  listen! i'm working on it, ok?  

well. tonight was one for the books, my friends.  my best friend and i are no longer together.  my heart just hurts down deep, so deep in fact that i can't even begin to know where it ends or begins.  i am full of so many emotions at the moment.  i feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my mind because i felt as though something was just not right with us for a solid week now, and it spilled over into all my thoughts, consumed my mind and heart like the plague. i lost my appetite completely, convinced myself that my hair was falling out at rapid rates, and  was sure an ulcer was forming in my gut. i feel like yet again i am in the same place: the place that sucks, the place where you try and try and it is just not enough.  (ok, now i am just being hard on myself... "poor, poor pitiful me", and i am stopping.)  i feel like i have been given a gift in a way.  he was so honest with me that it is painful to think about how i reacted (so selfishly).  he needs this time, this time to be with himself.  i can't change that fact.  i can't make him stay with me, make him love me, or even make him let me show him all the love in my heart.  we would be miserable; i would be a wreck; he would be so disinterested, it wouldn't be funny.  the time that we were together were some of my happiest moments in my whole life.  i will never forget how much fun and laughter we shared.  

as i sit here and think about the "suckiness" of this whole deal, i am reminded of so many cliche quotes. "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."  "all good things must come to an end." "love hurts." and i am sure i will think of more soon. hah. 

it is really interesting how much people are interested in love.  love is powerful.  love takes work.  love also seems so flippant in the minds of the masses these days. "women give sex for love; men give love for sex." all that crap.  i am just the kind that loves deeper than i should sometimes.  i let my heart and my emotions run too much at times.  (not to say that it reflects on this situation, but i'm just saying.)  

i told my mom tonight that it always seems like the "good girls" get hurt like this.  and she quickly said back, "everyone, at one time or another, gets hurt like this, it is just the way it goes. but you should be glad you are a good girl because if you were a bad one you would get hurt and be worse off."  i am also young.  i don't have to have my whole life planned to a T at 21.  life will not stop, and my world will not be ruined if i don't get married right out of college or even a few years on into my life.  i just need to be ok in myself, first and foremost.  and i think that is what he needs more than anything.  he just needs to find out who he is because how can you love someone if you are truly unhappy?  i am learning that myself.  

so enough rambling because i could be here all dang night.  last thoughts:  this is a good thing.  no amount of tears (which there have been many tonight) are going to make what he needs change or better.  i am strong.  i am myself: happy with him, happy without him.  before i knew him i was me, and guess what? i am still me after it all.  

time. "time heals all wounds."  i pray time is good to us both ... separately.