well. tonight was one for the books, my friends.  my best friend and i are no longer together.  my heart just hurts down deep, so deep in fact that i can't even begin to know where it ends or begins.  i am full of so many emotions at the moment.  i feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my mind because i felt as though something was just not right with us for a solid week now, and it spilled over into all my thoughts, consumed my mind and heart like the plague. i lost my appetite completely, convinced myself that my hair was falling out at rapid rates, and  was sure an ulcer was forming in my gut. i feel like yet again i am in the same place: the place that sucks, the place where you try and try and it is just not enough.  (ok, now i am just being hard on myself... "poor, poor pitiful me", and i am stopping.)  i feel like i have been given a gift in a way.  he was so honest with me that it is painful to think about how i reacted (so selfishly).  he needs this time, this time to be with himself.  i can't change that fact.  i can't make him stay with me, make him love me, or even make him let me show him all the love in my heart.  we would be miserable; i would be a wreck; he would be so disinterested, it wouldn't be funny.  the time that we were together were some of my happiest moments in my whole life.  i will never forget how much fun and laughter we shared.  

as i sit here and think about the "suckiness" of this whole deal, i am reminded of so many cliche quotes. "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."  "all good things must come to an end." "love hurts." and i am sure i will think of more soon. hah. 

it is really interesting how much people are interested in love.  love is powerful.  love takes work.  love also seems so flippant in the minds of the masses these days. "women give sex for love; men give love for sex." all that crap.  i am just the kind that loves deeper than i should sometimes.  i let my heart and my emotions run too much at times.  (not to say that it reflects on this situation, but i'm just saying.)  

i told my mom tonight that it always seems like the "good girls" get hurt like this.  and she quickly said back, "everyone, at one time or another, gets hurt like this, it is just the way it goes. but you should be glad you are a good girl because if you were a bad one you would get hurt and be worse off."  i am also young.  i don't have to have my whole life planned to a T at 21.  life will not stop, and my world will not be ruined if i don't get married right out of college or even a few years on into my life.  i just need to be ok in myself, first and foremost.  and i think that is what he needs more than anything.  he just needs to find out who he is because how can you love someone if you are truly unhappy?  i am learning that myself.  

so enough rambling because i could be here all dang night.  last thoughts:  this is a good thing.  no amount of tears (which there have been many tonight) are going to make what he needs change or better.  i am strong.  i am myself: happy with him, happy without him.  before i knew him i was me, and guess what? i am still me after it all.  

time. "time heals all wounds."  i pray time is good to us both ... separately.