heartbroken.

over the past day and a half, i have been trying to figure out so many things.  one major question i have been pondering is what is the difference this time?  what makes this heartbreak different than other ones i have had?  not much.  the pain is exactly the same. it doesn't hurt any more or any less.  it just hurts, plain and simple.  the only difference i can pinpoint is that this time, i don't feel as though my life is over.  i don't feel like i am suffocating; i don't feel like i am dying a slow and painful death.  sounds a bit dramatic, i am aware of that, but i have been through painful times, and this one is no different.  

i want to change all of this.  i want to go back.  the good times were so good.  the rough times were few, and they were special in their own right.  i am sad.  i am laying on my bed, my room is a complete mess.  i want to move. i want to get up and shower and go shopping or have lunch with friends.  my body is permanently glued to this bed i am afraid.  life will go on, life will work itself out the way it is suppose to.  but first, i have to actually figure out how i am going to live my life.  if i can't move from the position i am in, if i have no strength to shower or even pee i am not going to be able to improve my life or live at all.  

i have the tendency to get down on myself.  "why do i put myself through all this?" "is love really worth all this pain?" "never again! no man is worth this awful hurt i feel in my stomach!"  but thinking all these things seems a bit ridiculous in my mind.  i just need time. "I JUST NEED TIME!" i officially hate that sentence. but it is the truth. 

i don't want to just shake off this feeling/pain.  i need to live in it.  i need to work through it.  i can't just avoid it.  i also can't wallow in it forever either.  i just need to be able to have time to let it all sink in.  

deep down, all i want to do is talk to my best friend.  this fact scares the crap out of me.  

"it's over, move on."  listen! i'm working on it, ok?