my macbook has a sweater!

if you don't know, i absolutely love to crochet.  i learned from a very sweet lady when i was 18, and it has been my outlet to vent frustrations and work through problems ever since.  you might be thinking ... crocheting?... that's old-fashioned and "grandma-ish".  think what you will, but it's my thing.  

well, the reason for this post is to share with you my newest crocheting adventures.  i finally, finally finished my afghan.  it's just big and navy.  i love it so much.  it hasn't left my bed since i finished it on sunday night.  mostly because i love it, but also because it has been a wee-bit cold. 

after finishing my blanket, i felt like i needed to get my creative juices flowing again, so i combined my two favorite things that help me pass the time ... crocheting, and my macbook.  therefore, i crocheted my macbook a sweater.  yes, a sweater. sounds a little like a silly concept, but it turned out way cute.  and besides being functional and fun, it was also a new venture for me.  it turned out so well that i thought i'd share it with you.  i am going to have more designs coming very soon, so keep checking.  if you see something that you like, just let me know!  and let me know what you think.  :)

the sweater is orange, with a navy edge on the open ended side.  that is a white spool of thread as the button. (basically, i didn't have a button i liked, so it works for now.)  the background is my navy blanket i just finished.

close up. to show the edge, and to show how well it fits in the sleeve.

to speak? or to sleep?

have you ever been upset by something, big or small, and tried to sleep on it?  for me, it is impossible.  i never know when it is too small to bring up, or too big to let go.  i just need to get the thoughts out of my head.  i'm not always looking for an apology because sometimes the issue is so tiny and all in my head that the other person has nothing to apologize for.  more times than not, i just need to say my emotions and thoughts out loud to the person and just have them listen.  is that selfish?  i sure hope not because it is helpful.  

i think it all boils down to feeling exposed and slightly ridiculous about having our emotions in the first place.  i tend to apologize for feeling certain emotions, and this is wrong.  they are emotions. they do not need to run your life, but they do creep in every once in a while.  how you manage them is important, but they are not to be shoved in a corner, unexpressed.  this can be way negative. 

just something i was thinking about ... 

round 2.

second chances.

good?

bad?

right?

wrong?

i'm not sure. 

i know one thing...

i'm willing to give it another try. 

i'm putting myself out here.

what a risk i am taking.

my heart is not made of steel. 

it is not ironclad.

i love very little.

but i love deeper than i should.

here i am, risking and willing.

you won't see me run.

so i've been thinking... dating vs. relationships.

i've had a particular thought rolling around in my mind for the past week or so.  relationships?  teens and young adults (maybe more age groups, but these two i can identify with best) are always looking to be "in a relationship".  every time you turn around, someone is dating someone and then they are magically in a serious, long term commitment to each other.  (i know what you are thinking ... "wow, girl, you are the one to talk...".  good point.)  i've been guilty in my whole dating, or lack of just dating, life of only being in relationships, not just dating someone.  1 guy: 5 years. another guy, 11 months. yet another one, 8 months.  i don't think i have ever casually dated someone.  i don't know if i even know what it means or looks like. 

my parents at one time or another have both expressed to me the thought of just dating.  mom: "take it slow and steady.  just date him, see if you like the person he is..." dad (when i could stand to be in the same room with him): "just date around. you don't have to be in a committed relationship.  you're young.  go see what's out there." this has got me wondering what the differences are in my generation where we all just want to find someone to be with long-term.  

i can't help but think if it has something to do with this:  (please note: this is my experience and my perspective) our parents casually dated people when they were young.  they might have had a couple of serious, long-term relationships here and there, but mostly they just dated around.  in doing this, they realized what they liked and didn't like in a partner which serves as a benefit.  also, they probably learned to deal with rejection and loss better.  then, when they were ready to be in a serious relationship, they went looking and found that special person.  they married, had kids, and like most families these days, divorced.  (at least that is what my family looks like.)  then, because you have to pick yourself up and move along, they had to raise kids in an environment they probably didn't expect to ever create for their kids, and it was probably negative to the kids.  this creates nervous feelings in the kids; like they will have relationship issues like their parents, never find that right person, be alone for the rest of their lives, etc.  (subconsciously, of course.)  therefore, if they find someone that they connect with, like, or love, they are going to cling hard to them, never wanting to let them go just in case something else never comes back around.  

hence, no one casually dates anymore.  i don't even know if i know what the benefits of casually dating are.  i feel like they can only be negative.  but this may be just an assumed thought from a scared mind.  i do realize that i might sound completely ridiculous... like my mind has been warped because of my past.  but i just wonder... 

also, do we not casually date because we are scared to put ourselves out there over and over, only to possibly be rejected?  i guess that would be legitimate fear.  it all amounts to what you are willing to risk.  also what you are willing to learn.  

ehh, just a thought.  

FYI: oh so much better.

if anyone actually reads this blog on a regular basis ...

first of all, thanks! 

secondly, i am doing oh so much better. 

when people say that "things will be better", they weren't just saying that to make you feel better, it's true.  i am better than i have been in weeks, months actually.  i feel more alive, more myself, more at peace.  i am doing what is good for me.  i know that i can't control all things.  i feel like i don't want to stress about the future, that it will work out the way it is supposed to.  

i am sure i will have more to come soon, but for right now just know that i am good, happy, content.  

p.s. it is nice to meet a man who wants to give you the world, and thinks his world is complete just because you are in it. :)

if music was an activity ... i'm participating.

i'm not sure what it is with me lately, but music is all i do.  i suppose if you can do music, like if music was an activity ... i am participating.  make sense?  so sorry if you can't follow me down my rabbit hole.  

but anyways, music!  i don't know if you relate to this, but most song lyrics seem to be written just for me.  (i'm not gonna be repetitive, so refer to previous post.)  i have found lately that certain verses or lines from songs are little slices of heaven spilling out of my speakers.  i thought i would share them and my reasoning about why they hit such a cord in my heart/life.  and if you don't know these songs, check them out.  i like them very much.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe ... "

-- "dreaming with a broken heart" by john mayer.

lately, i don't fall asleep until midnight or later, and when i do finally drift off ... i dream. these dreams are not unpleasant. they are what i wish my life was like.  the only bad part of it all is that i eventually wake up. when i do, i'm saddened by the fact that my dreams are better than my reality.  this song describes me somedays. not today, but yesterday and the day before that.  i have hope.

"Cause you're hot then you're cold 

You're yes then you're no 
You're in then you're out 
You're up then you're down 
...

Someone call the doctor 
Got a case of a love bi-polar 
Stuck on a roller coaster 
Can't get off this ride"

-- "hot n cold" by katy perry.

hah. now please be advised: i am not a katy perry fan.  i just really like this song; it applies to me.  it's my only vengeful, women-power song.  i crank it up every so often.  i have to say, it helps. 

"If you didn't notice boy you meant everything

Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok
...
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to 
It'll all get better in time

...
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go 
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be 
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you"

-- "better in time" by leona lewis.

when i listen to this one, i just believe her.  i just get in my zone.  power of positive thinking, my friends!  

"And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself 
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do"

-- "where i stood" by missy higgins.

if you read my last post, you know that this song means so much to me right now.  missy higgins is the shizz.  i truly believe that if this guy in my life would ever call, i would be there for him.  no questions asked.  do i know the limits? have i set boundaries? yes. yes. but walking away and working on me is what he needed to do, and it's also what i'm doing. 

"the smartest thing is to give up everything

only the foolish ones will hold on, hold on

but the fight in me wants to cling to everything

say the foolish one, i hold on, i hold on"

-- "lose it all" by rush of fools.

now these guys are my buddies.  i just love these lyrics.  holding on to things really does make me a fool.  i just have to let go.  but i do, naturally, want to go right back to the way things were, but no!  moving forward. looking forward. 

"Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

...
Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair
I am in repair"

-- "in repair" by john mayer.

basically, i am in repair.  

thanks for indulging me for a while.  until next time...

music meets me in a deep place.

music speaks to me.  the lyrics of my favorite songs are the thoughts in my head expressed by someone i have never met.  it seems like they know me and are writing to me, about me, for me, because of me, on and on.  when a song hits me in a deep place, i am moved.  i'm most likely to express emotions that need to be exposed... the ones that are buried.  

tonight, i listen to missy higgins.  she sings about all the things i feel. all the words i can't find, all the emotions i feel that i can't express, she does.  she knows.  she's sullen.  she's what you listen to when you feel blue.  and blue is my favorite color/emotion these days.  it fits me well.  

ok, i will share a song that i can't help but play over and over on my iTunes.  

"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins.

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head

LIttle voices whispering

That I should go and this should end

Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

this song brings crocodile tears to my eyes. parts of this song apply to me, and some parts don't.  all in all, i relate.  

it tears me up a bit to walk away. walking away requires strength, and that is not one thing i have right now.  i know i sound a bit dramatic.  i am completely aware of my pathetic-ness.  but as i told a friend tonight, i will bounce back.  "the best is yet to come." 

heartbroken.

over the past day and a half, i have been trying to figure out so many things.  one major question i have been pondering is what is the difference this time?  what makes this heartbreak different than other ones i have had?  not much.  the pain is exactly the same. it doesn't hurt any more or any less.  it just hurts, plain and simple.  the only difference i can pinpoint is that this time, i don't feel as though my life is over.  i don't feel like i am suffocating; i don't feel like i am dying a slow and painful death.  sounds a bit dramatic, i am aware of that, but i have been through painful times, and this one is no different.  

i want to change all of this.  i want to go back.  the good times were so good.  the rough times were few, and they were special in their own right.  i am sad.  i am laying on my bed, my room is a complete mess.  i want to move. i want to get up and shower and go shopping or have lunch with friends.  my body is permanently glued to this bed i am afraid.  life will go on, life will work itself out the way it is suppose to.  but first, i have to actually figure out how i am going to live my life.  if i can't move from the position i am in, if i have no strength to shower or even pee i am not going to be able to improve my life or live at all.  

i have the tendency to get down on myself.  "why do i put myself through all this?" "is love really worth all this pain?" "never again! no man is worth this awful hurt i feel in my stomach!"  but thinking all these things seems a bit ridiculous in my mind.  i just need time. "I JUST NEED TIME!" i officially hate that sentence. but it is the truth. 

i don't want to just shake off this feeling/pain.  i need to live in it.  i need to work through it.  i can't just avoid it.  i also can't wallow in it forever either.  i just need to be able to have time to let it all sink in.  

deep down, all i want to do is talk to my best friend.  this fact scares the crap out of me.  

"it's over, move on."  listen! i'm working on it, ok?  

well. tonight was one for the books, my friends.  my best friend and i are no longer together.  my heart just hurts down deep, so deep in fact that i can't even begin to know where it ends or begins.  i am full of so many emotions at the moment.  i feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my mind because i felt as though something was just not right with us for a solid week now, and it spilled over into all my thoughts, consumed my mind and heart like the plague. i lost my appetite completely, convinced myself that my hair was falling out at rapid rates, and  was sure an ulcer was forming in my gut. i feel like yet again i am in the same place: the place that sucks, the place where you try and try and it is just not enough.  (ok, now i am just being hard on myself... "poor, poor pitiful me", and i am stopping.)  i feel like i have been given a gift in a way.  he was so honest with me that it is painful to think about how i reacted (so selfishly).  he needs this time, this time to be with himself.  i can't change that fact.  i can't make him stay with me, make him love me, or even make him let me show him all the love in my heart.  we would be miserable; i would be a wreck; he would be so disinterested, it wouldn't be funny.  the time that we were together were some of my happiest moments in my whole life.  i will never forget how much fun and laughter we shared.  

as i sit here and think about the "suckiness" of this whole deal, i am reminded of so many cliche quotes. "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."  "all good things must come to an end." "love hurts." and i am sure i will think of more soon. hah. 

it is really interesting how much people are interested in love.  love is powerful.  love takes work.  love also seems so flippant in the minds of the masses these days. "women give sex for love; men give love for sex." all that crap.  i am just the kind that loves deeper than i should sometimes.  i let my heart and my emotions run too much at times.  (not to say that it reflects on this situation, but i'm just saying.)  

i told my mom tonight that it always seems like the "good girls" get hurt like this.  and she quickly said back, "everyone, at one time or another, gets hurt like this, it is just the way it goes. but you should be glad you are a good girl because if you were a bad one you would get hurt and be worse off."  i am also young.  i don't have to have my whole life planned to a T at 21.  life will not stop, and my world will not be ruined if i don't get married right out of college or even a few years on into my life.  i just need to be ok in myself, first and foremost.  and i think that is what he needs more than anything.  he just needs to find out who he is because how can you love someone if you are truly unhappy?  i am learning that myself.  

so enough rambling because i could be here all dang night.  last thoughts:  this is a good thing.  no amount of tears (which there have been many tonight) are going to make what he needs change or better.  i am strong.  i am myself: happy with him, happy without him.  before i knew him i was me, and guess what? i am still me after it all.  

time. "time heals all wounds."  i pray time is good to us both ... separately. 

4th year. feeling a bit old.

today was day one of my 4th year in college.  i really can't believe that i am in this place already. already!!  it absolutely blows my mind.  not only do i feel pressure from my mom to finish school like right now, but i feel the pressure of what the heck i am gonna do once i finish this college thing.  to think about it all at one time is completely overwhelming.  therefore, i write to get it out and put it away for tonight.

i was sitting in my college today (spidle) flitting through my syllabi and planner planning out my life for the semester, and these two girls were sitting across from me chit chatting about their lives.  i figured out within 30 seconds that they were freshman.  one of the girls said something that just took me back: "i moved in on friday, and i am already homesick".  my first thought was that i don't even remember what being homesick feels like.  when i came to college i was over-the-moon about being on my own that i didn't feel the "homesickness" for a lonnng while after, if at all.  but that is really not what hit me the most.  i was just sitting there listening to them talk and i got to thinking how college isn't new and exciting like it used to be.  sure, i was a bit nervous, but the feelings faded quickly as i went throughout my day. 

i just can't believe that i am a 4th year (and i say 4th year because i am not a senior, i am actually in my 2nd semester of my junior year, but i want people to know that i have been at this college thing for 4 years).  i never have felt so old.  it might all sound weird and maybe a bit dramatic, but it was an honest feeling and it just rocked my world this morning. 

on a different note, i'm still a bit apprehensive about this semester.  i wish i had a mirror, a looking glass you could say, to look into the future and see what it all holds.  i am feeling a little bit like i want to control all.  when people feel the need to control, that means that things are feeling out of control, but i don't feel that they are.  i think that it is because things are so new and i am a bit out of my element, out of my old routine, needing to establish a new one.  maybe that will help me a lot, a routine.  hmm.  interesting.  

oh well, can't figure it all out in a day or an evening or in a blog post.  my heart beats fast when i think of all the things i am unsure about. ahh. i guess i should end this thing now to stop thinking about all of this.  don't get me wrong, i'm thrilled about school and this semester.  it's gonna be an adventure. 

new room = awesome!

my new bedroom rocks.

it is cozy. 

it might seem small to most, but i love it small.

my bed looks huge.

it is oddly more comfortable now.

i have a lot of stuff.

it all fits into my closet perfectly now, with a little room to grow.

i feel like this room is more me.

it is gonna be a good year.

i'm jazzed.

yay for new spaces.

my best friend.

best friend (n.) - the one friend who is closest to you.

meet my best friend (aka mas: my boyfriend, greatest man i know):

*i've never known someone who was so easy to be around. i could be with him for hours, even days, and never be tired or want him to leave.

*we laugh. he makes me laugh. if you are around him for 5 mins., you will be laughing.

*he has taught me to trust. i have never known how to trust anyone, but he has taught me that to trust can be possible, and easy. trusting him is easy.

*he is gorgeous, inside and out. i love everything about his body (might as well be blunt). he doesn't even understand how handsome i think he is.

*he knows how to speak his mind and does it with passion. i aspire to be like him.

*he is the smartest man i know. 

*he knows himself. he is comfortable in his own skin. (no wonder other's want to be like him.)

*i am a better person when he is around. he brings out the best in me, to say the least.

*he loves deeply. tough on the outside, but has a heart of gold that is indescribable, undeniable. 

*with just one look, he gives me butterflies, even still.

*he looks awesome in these one pair of blue jeans he has. he looks great in everything, but them jeans are ... whew. :P

*he is always pushing me to be better without actually pushing. he makes me want to be a better woman. (cliche, to the max. true nonetheless.)

*he loves music like it is going out of style. he has enriched my musical taste-buds, thankfully.

*i've never met a more talented guitarist. he would probably say to that comment that i haven't been out much, but i think he has more talent than he gives himself credit for. 

*he is wildly nostalgic. it makes me want to hear all his stories, know all his favorite things. i want to see the places he loves, all the places he has ever loved. (insert lyrics from a rascal flatts song here.)

*he loves his family. it is obvious. his grandfather means the world to him. it is beautiful the relationship they have. to a person with no real connection to their own grandparents, i am touched by their closeness. 

*he has the silliest "ticks". he does things subconsciously that make me smile. (i.e. rubs his fingers together when he is thinking ...)

*tears come to my eyes when i think of all the sweet things he does. he holds my hand in the car, and i get butterflies every time. he pulls me close, and my heart races.

all synonyms in the thesaurus for the word perfect aren't enough to describe him.

he has me ... hook, line, and sinker. 

he told me on our 3rd? date, "you're in my head. ... i want to be the man in those pictures in your room. ... you're what i've been looking for." 

i'm so glad i met him. he has made/is making my life richer and happier and full(er).

i didn't expect to meet my best friend that random night, but that is how it is suppose to happen. it is sweeter that way.

i just want him to know that he is my best friend.

7 months. oh, it's been awe-some! all i gotta say is ... "ya fired." 

1. my frustration with me.

two blogs in one day, oh my.

 

more times than not, i am wishing my life were different in some way. well, that is a little extreme because i love my life and everyone in it. but sometimes overwhelming thoughts come into my head when i am by myself. if i am by myself, i want to not be. i feel alone, unloved, undesirable, ... if i am with someone, i am happy, content, okay ... but when i am alone, i fight feelings that i hate. i struggle with this a whole lot. 

i ask myself this question: why aren't you content just being with yourself? 

being content, attaining contentment, is painful at times. blah, i should just be alright with being with myself. why am i just not sometimes? it makes no sense. i want to be active and around people all the time. obviously, i just don't like this about myself.

i look at people in my life, and they all seem so content just being alone. i wonder if they really are. 

since i can remember, i have always wanted to be around people. maybe it has something to do with being an only child and having to entertain myself all the time when i was young. i just would rather be out with friends or with my boyfriend than sitting on my bed ... not being able to sleep. some might say, "it is only natural to feel that way." but i find it totally frustrating. 

also, i feel as though people can see right through me and my discontentment. i feel like you can see that i am grasping at straws to get out of my house and do something. i hate this, too. i don't allow people to come to me because i am just so focused on getting out and having plans that i jump the gun and ask before others have the chance. i need to be slapped. it just might do some good.

i need help. i need someone to tell me that i am not crazy. or maybe i should just realize myself that i am not crazy. ugh.

all my thoughts are out, and i am still unhappy with sitting here by myself. yuck.

disclaimer.

i find myself not writing when i have every reason to write.  there are days when i feel as though my life is too good to have anything to complain about; this is when i should write the most.  i don't though.  i write only when the bad days come.  when i am frustrated or angry or need someone to talk to, that is when i write best. 

this fact disturbs me.  that is why i have set up this blog.  i don't mind if a thousand people read it or just me.  i have set this blog up for selfish purposes, for writing purposes.  i desire a lot for my life, and this is where i will pen those desires so to never let them fade away.  

i am not, as you can most likely see, a good writer by any means.  i don't have fancy skills or even fancy words.  please do not read this blog with the intention of being blown away or taught something new.  i am simple, this blog is simple. simple as that. 

all of that being said ...