lately.

for a while now i have been doing things differently.

- i watch zero t.v., except for the 2 seasons of gilmore girls that i keep watching over and over.

- i eat a lot less. it started bc of nerves, but now i am just used to it.

- i rarely dry my hair anymore. i've decided that it is 1. easier, and 2. better for my hair; so, it works.

- i spend less time at home. it's nice to have a different routine.

- i'm in church and doing church-related things more. great people, great messages, great times.

- i read a lot more. reading blue like jazz, at the moment.

- i support my friends and desire to help them more. i want to get outside of myself. being selfish doesn't satisfy.

- i sleep less. getting to bed at 11+ and finally falling asleep at 1 or 2. i'm glad it's almost summer bc getting to classes is becoming difficult.

- i write a lot more. journaling my heart out, jotting down poetry, documenting my dreams.

i don't know why i am doing things differently these days. i guess i just need to change up my routine and figure myself out. i found myself for about a month a half being depressed and never getting out of bed. i finally had to decide to get up and make the most of my college days, or lay in bed and cry about the things i can't change. i still find myself a couple of days a week just being a bum and turning into a hermit. i find myself missing someone still, but i'm learning and growing and praying and dreaming and wishing and loving and hoping.

i felt the need to recap this past week:

last saturday: 280 Boogie in Waverly. hippies, bluegrass music, lovely friends, etc., made it my favorite event i have been to in a long time.

sunday: church, then montgomery to see momma, drink coffee, write a paper, and help drew with merch at the third day show.

monday: class, work, and hung out with friends (i.e.,procrastinated from writing another paper).

tuesday: class, no work, and international dinner with jordan. i love all of the people that i met that night. i'm sad that this tuesday is the last one of the semester. everyone is just so much fun.

wednesday: class, work, and bocci ball with kels and other friends on samford lawn. work was horrifying, and my schedule was finally light, so i made a screwdriver and headed to the lawn. after playing, kels and i hit up daylight donuts and chatted about life until midnight+.

thursday: only one class, no work, lunch with chelle and wes at moe's. THEN an impromptu, but not entirely on a whim, trip to shenanigans to get my foot inked. :) hung out with kels between lunch and tattoo, tattoo, then went to watch The Dark Knight at Jordan-Hare with jordan. laying on the field with blankets and pillows was epic. went to IHOP with friends, and it was the most uncomfortable experience ever. then came home and had a convo that made my heart hurt and my sleep restless. this was a day i will never ever forget.

friday: didn't make it to class; instead, i laid in my bed, made porch time with jesus, watched gilmore girls, and opened a pint of icing - all as therapy to get through some mess. and before work, i made a new purse. it was a semi-productive afternoon. work. then went to see the bandar-log play at the ale house with jordan, saw tons of old friends, and took a walk to bodegas were we ran into even more friends. a fun night was just what i needed.

today: wished i could have ignored my internal clock. headed to tiger town and bought cute shorts because all of mine are 2 sizes too big. (break-ups = best diet plan, fyi.) grabbed lunch, and met up with jordan at auburn city fest. it was not lame like i thought it might be, but it was hot as the devil's sneeze. i think i got a little sun which is a plus. left the city fest and went straight to wegl fest. waited around to see the bandar-log play, and now i have retired to my bed for the night.

this week was fun and interesting and unforgettable. on to start a new week full of adventures and memories.

only so much.

a girl can only handle so much rejection in her life.

i just hold my head up high and smile.

happiness is a choice.

i feel compelled.

here it is, in black and white (or whatever my blog colors are):

i know only one thing right now... i do not, in any way, deserve the love of jesus.

in my own life experience, i have dealt with a father whose definition of showing love was to turn on nascar on sunday afternoon and ask me to watch it with him, and to give me stupid gifts. he never knew how to love me, and never cared enough to try harder. as the years have gone on, i have only loved two men, and one of them i consider my one true love (and still do). both, in the end, broke my heart. i could do nothing to change the fact that they didn't want to be with me, it was just how things went down.

therefore, love for me is the one thing that i will never ever understand. i will never understand how God could look at me, and say that He loves me regardless of all my junk. every single day i feel as though i do not deserve love, from anyone. i look at myself in the mirror and wonder what it is that drove them all away. i even think that if jesus was to come to my door and i was to open it, he would take one look at me and give a half awkward grin and say, "oops, wrong door", and walk away - never looking back.

that's just how i feel. unworthy. the love He gives is such a weird concept, and learning to accept it will be the hardest part.

bible-love = legit love to be consumed in.

just a little bible-love going on in my life. that's about it. not too bad, huh? it seems like a pretty legit love to be consumed in, in my opinion.

right now, i am all wrapped in ecclesiastes. i read it completely the other night, and now i am taking about 3 chapters at a time. at first, i was a bit discouraged by the words. i felt like it was depressing, and not life-breathing. but then i got thinking about Jesus. ecclesiastes is in the OT, and all the 'meaningless'ness that Solomon (i believe) is talking about changed radically with Jesus. also, i love how this book is so raw and the author talks unabashedly about the ways of this world. he says how they are meaningless and chasing after them to give you life is like 'chasing the wind - meaningless'. how true! and how lovely it is to read something in the bible that can be easily translated to people who don't believe.

i prayed the other day that God would, for the first time in my life, give me a heart for the lost. i know that in the bible, He tells us to go and tell the world about Him; that is a command. i have never felt qualified or even desired it in any way. God is bringing me out of the darkest part of my life, so far, and i know truth is actually true for certain now. why wouldn't i want to share? share with my life, my deeds, my words. i feel that is why God brought me to ecclesiastes this week. it makes sense because i have been that person of the world ... so close to that place in almost every minute still. without Jesus, i am nothing. i have no heart for love. i have no heart to bless others. i have no heart to please Him. it's just sadness.

i have finally posted a blog like micah would post. how interesting. thank you God for bringing whitney back! it's nice to feel meaning again.

hard letter to write.

when being called by the Lord to do something hard, my initial reaction is to run the other way. i hate to be put in a situation where i have to make a hard decision or am faced with an ultimatum. the ultimatum i have been faced with recently is live in the will of the Lord, not my own, or be unhappy and defeated daily. it seems like a pretty easy decision to make, but i just wish it was more simple.

today i did something to help with the call God has on my heart right now. i wrote a letter to someone that will basically change our whole relationship, and unlike him, i feel like i am actually the one ending what he started to end. i just can't be two different people anymore. i refuse. easter started with the excitement of the Lord, and ended with me tossing and turning because i couldn't believe that i had grieved the heart of The One who saved me. i want to turn a complete 180, but i am choosing the flesh way too often. i know that Jesus loves me more than anything, but i want so badly to love him more every day. i just can't live as two different people.

i want the people who say they love me to know that i am falling in love with the only man who will ever know how to love me correctly - Jesus Christ. it is a love relationship that will last for my entire life, and i am excited about it. tough decisions will probably happen daily, or hourly, but i know that i can always turn to Him and there will be love.

i love you (all) very much. thanks for being patient with me.

the heartstrings are loosening.

the heartstrings are loosening.

almost all undone.

this should be simpler

especially if you aren't the one.

we were happy before.

maybe that was just me.

now that it's over

i only want to be free.

if you need me to keep holding on

your words will not be convincing.

i loved the way we were back then

but my hands of you i am rinsing.

just a little poem about the place i probably should be.

the weekends should never end.

best weekend i've had in quite some time. (i usually don't use this blog for recap purposes, but what the heck.)

so, friday night was super funky. 'twas lovely, to say the least. work ended, and i headed home to beautify. then off to a party with some great people. i drank a bottle of champagne which made me happy, not delusional. did a little dancing. just had a great ol time.

saturday: had an early morning hang out with my cousin (amber) and her husband (jeff) and his brother (brett). we all got breakfast at big blue bagel. delicious. then took a stroll around the beautiful campus of auburn university. hung out for a bit. then later we all went for a lunch time snack at mellow mushroom. i did all of that before 2 pm. it was a whirlwind, but my day was just beginning.

so, after hanging with the fam, i went and picked miss kelly up and we headed for her car at her bf's. hung out there for a while. then that turned into a day event of yard work with some awesome new friends. amy and i had a special project of cleaning out the front flower bed, which will be home to flowers in the near future. while cleaning out this bed, working ourselves to the bone, we came across, very abruptly, a snake! Oo, it was not a fun experience. after the serpent was obliterated, we finished as much as we could and left the rest for a different day.

after that lovely day in the yard, an amazing dinner was made and served by dan, and hang out time commenced.

sunday: yet another raining day in the good ol south. oh i am so sick of it raining so much. but went to church anyways, and loved every second of it. i am going to share in a later post just how much my life is changing these days. i am struggling with a few things, and not wanting to let go of most things, but i know my heart is changing for Jesus again. i told someone this weekend that i am trying to fall back in love with Jesus again. more on this topic to come. so church was awesome, and i hung out with kelly and maggie this afternoon because my house was invaded with people i didn't know. i always have fun with kels; she rocks.

so, my weekend was nice. encountered some rain, ate breakfast at an auburn landmark for the first time, saw some family, yelped over a snake, spend time with great new friends, drank a little much but never lost control, danced danced, and loved every minute of it. this weekend had to be documented. done.

don't worry. be happy.

ya know, i really do miss someone very much.

i am learning not to worry about it though.

but i want them to know... me not worrying doesn't mean that i don't care. i care a great deal. just not worrying, like you suggested.

i'm finding that not worrying so much makes me feel a lot better. so nice to feel good again.

:)