i feel compelled.

here it is, in black and white (or whatever my blog colors are):

i know only one thing right now... i do not, in any way, deserve the love of jesus.

in my own life experience, i have dealt with a father whose definition of showing love was to turn on nascar on sunday afternoon and ask me to watch it with him, and to give me stupid gifts. he never knew how to love me, and never cared enough to try harder. as the years have gone on, i have only loved two men, and one of them i consider my one true love (and still do). both, in the end, broke my heart. i could do nothing to change the fact that they didn't want to be with me, it was just how things went down.

therefore, love for me is the one thing that i will never ever understand. i will never understand how God could look at me, and say that He loves me regardless of all my junk. every single day i feel as though i do not deserve love, from anyone. i look at myself in the mirror and wonder what it is that drove them all away. i even think that if jesus was to come to my door and i was to open it, he would take one look at me and give a half awkward grin and say, "oops, wrong door", and walk away - never looking back.

that's just how i feel. unworthy. the love He gives is such a weird concept, and learning to accept it will be the hardest part.