changes ensue

day 4.

today is a good day. not a lot has changed in a little over 24 hours, but i am feeling better for sure. what i've really been meditating on today is how i want my life to be like, what i want it to look like, what type of person i truly want to be. i really want to think outside of the relationship aspect of life, and just focus on myself for a while.

i talked to a good friend last night, for like forever. it was mostly computer info and food related, but we talked about relationships a couple of times. i just got to thinking if i am attractive to the type of man that i want to be attractive to. that might not make much sense. so, instead of thinking if i am attractive to men, i am going to focus on the person i want to be, and if a man is attracted to that, then ... that's cool. haha.

i am not turning myself off from relationships, but i am taking a super step back, but in the right direction. i want to be healthy, strong, able to stick to my guns about what i want with my heart and life. i know this might make me seem like i have been changing myself for men, but i think i've always been doubtful with what it is that i really want for my life. at 22, i guess i can slow my roll and take time to mull over myself: my heart, my needs, my desires, my goals, my body, ...

so basically, in a nutshell, this is me taking time for me. i'm kind of excited about it. world: wide open. anything is possible now.

caffeine cryptic-ness.

i am on a lot of caffeine today (2 cups of coffee this morning). i haven't eaten anything to counteract the coffee, so i am a little wired and my mind is racing a hundred mph. here are some of the things that are racing through my head:

1. things in my life must change immediately.

2. i am not very good at sticking with "goals".

3. if i don't get into a new routine, i might lose my mind. no, seriously.

4. i am sick and beyond tired of crying myself to sleep. last night sucked.

5. i am sick of thinking my life is going to change even though i do nothing. oh, because it won't.

6. i understand that rut-dwelling is my speciality.

7. i am working on changing that fact.

8. i like my routine, and this is bad.

9. it is all about to change. just wait and see.

10. get ready, it's going to knock your socks off.

so, that seems a bit cryptic, i know. more thoughts and goals and changes are coming.

to all the people that i am hurting or are affected by my current state of ridiculousness, i am so sorry. i am tired of me, too. i love you guys.

last thought, this feels productive. a positive move. no more backwards walking for me.

bus or bicycle?

i've decided that i am going to type out my feelings each day for the this entire week. not sure why, maybe as a cleansing process or something. so, this is day #2 of me getting all the stuff in my head ... out.  

i am not really sure where we stand.  i feel like i was on the girlfriend bus, now i am on the friend bus, but the friend bus isn't really a bus, more like a bicycle.  i guess i shouldn't be surprised, nor expect anymore from the situation, but it just irritates me a tad.  and, to be honest, i am not even sure being on the friend bus is a good idea in the first place.  i think that i feel like if we were friends for real, i would be selfishly thinking in the back of my head about the "what ifs". 

ugh, i hate every thing about breaking up with someone. it never really works out right away, there is pain, and it sucks when you think about all the great times that are just ... gone.  i told myself a long time ago that regrets are ridiculous because every experience shapes who i am, and i can't be mad at my experiences.  things are how they are.  life is not over.  my identity is not in that person.  i was whitney before this relationship, and i am still whitney now that it is over.  i am a little damaged, but my heart will heal.  it always does.  

am i a better person for knowing him? for being in this situation? for learning from all the bad times?  you better believe it!  i would not change anything about anything.  well, other than having my love/best friend gone, my heart broken, and the future being eerily open. 

i love certainties.  but life isn't about certainties.  i guess it's about the uncertainties that get placed in front of you and how you deal with them.  

so, the question is: how am i going to deal with this one?  hmmm.

... crazy little thing called love.

why does someone tell you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to their life, yet they don't want to be with you anymore?

it just boggles my mind. i am seriously trying to wrap my mind around that concept, but i cannot figure it out.  

i was happy.

i was myself. 

i put my heart into it. 

i loved. 

i tried to step out of my same old ways and grow. 

i had fun.

i laughed ... a lot.

i was giving.

i hoped ... maybe a little too much.

all of these things are good, and i did so much more, yet i cannot figure out why i am the one who gets shoved off.  maybe i am meant to have helped, not to have exactly what i want. so many maybes, it makes my head spin. 

i just want to be in a relationship with someone who does not need, and i don't want to need anything either.  i just want to have a good time. do silly stuff together. laugh, a hell of a lot.  fight, but talk things out like adults, and make up. spend time doing mutually fun activities. go on road trips just because. do stuff like .... eat take-out chinese food and play scrabble 'til midnight. just be happy.  

i thought we were happy. i thought we were on the same page. i guess i assumed a whole lot.  i find myself still wanting to be back in it. to be happy again with him.  and not to be too forward or bold or future minded, but i feel like we were made for each other. (whoa, you might be thinking, but i am positive that we were made to be in each others lives. maybe for one year or maybe more. i'm not sure. but it is true.)

who knows what the future holds for my life. i am figuring out what i need and what i want. love is always around us, it is in songs, movies, tv, billboards, etc. it slaps you in the face before you can turn your face away or plug your ears. so, forgive me if i can't keep my mind off of it for an hour or a day or a week. i am just trying to figure it all out ... this crazy little thing called love.

through tears.

typing through tears is next to impossible. you have to wipe your face at some point, and then the tears get all over your hands, and onto the keys. it's just plain messy and ... impossible. yet, here i sit, typing away.

my life, so far, just hasn't turned out like i think it should. only word i can think to describe it is devastating. i know that i am young. very young in fact, but it doesn't mean that i am any less sad about the events that have taken place. 

this weekend, i have randomly burst into sobs (not tears). have you ever experienced that?  tears are manageable, but sobs are not easily concealed.  i was told once that i looked exhausted, when i felt like i was smiling and happy. that is when i knew that my "happy face" was only in my head. my face was nowhere near happy. it probably looked like my heart.

i am not really sure the point of this post. i just felt like getting my feelings out about all the crying i have done.  i went through one break-up where i cried the night it happened, but after that ... not a drop until about 2 weeks later where i curled up in my bed for an hour and sobbed every last feeling out of my body and mind.  but this time, controlling the tears is easier said than done.  i am numb half the time, and sobbing the other. 

i just want to know when i am going to be the one worth sticking around for.  i am tired of being disposable.  i've tried very hard to not be tainted by heartbreaks, but this heart can only break so much, surely. 

finding someone who you can say that you love, no question about it, i feel is rare. i feel like saying 'i love you' is important, sacred, and beautiful.  when it gets said and then followed by a 'but', it turns into daggers that pierce the soul.  whether or not i find love again, i will always know that this love was real and wonderful.  my heart will always be apart of it because it came from my whole self. when your love is your best friend, and they both get taken away in one fail swoop, you understand just how fragile your heart is.  my heart is a puzzle that might not ever get put back exactly the same.  it hurts, and the pain is immeasurable.

well, my sleeping schedule is off because i have been up for 2 nights in a row 'til 3ish.  i bet i will look back on this week ahead and not remember a thing about it. i'm in a fog, a daze. one minute, i sob; the next i am singing Pink songs and wishing i had a punching bag.  

obviously, this post is random thoughts. my next will be more eloquent. until then...