through tears.

typing through tears is next to impossible. you have to wipe your face at some point, and then the tears get all over your hands, and onto the keys. it's just plain messy and ... impossible. yet, here i sit, typing away.

my life, so far, just hasn't turned out like i think it should. only word i can think to describe it is devastating. i know that i am young. very young in fact, but it doesn't mean that i am any less sad about the events that have taken place. 

this weekend, i have randomly burst into sobs (not tears). have you ever experienced that?  tears are manageable, but sobs are not easily concealed.  i was told once that i looked exhausted, when i felt like i was smiling and happy. that is when i knew that my "happy face" was only in my head. my face was nowhere near happy. it probably looked like my heart.

i am not really sure the point of this post. i just felt like getting my feelings out about all the crying i have done.  i went through one break-up where i cried the night it happened, but after that ... not a drop until about 2 weeks later where i curled up in my bed for an hour and sobbed every last feeling out of my body and mind.  but this time, controlling the tears is easier said than done.  i am numb half the time, and sobbing the other. 

i just want to know when i am going to be the one worth sticking around for.  i am tired of being disposable.  i've tried very hard to not be tainted by heartbreaks, but this heart can only break so much, surely. 

finding someone who you can say that you love, no question about it, i feel is rare. i feel like saying 'i love you' is important, sacred, and beautiful.  when it gets said and then followed by a 'but', it turns into daggers that pierce the soul.  whether or not i find love again, i will always know that this love was real and wonderful.  my heart will always be apart of it because it came from my whole self. when your love is your best friend, and they both get taken away in one fail swoop, you understand just how fragile your heart is.  my heart is a puzzle that might not ever get put back exactly the same.  it hurts, and the pain is immeasurable.

well, my sleeping schedule is off because i have been up for 2 nights in a row 'til 3ish.  i bet i will look back on this week ahead and not remember a thing about it. i'm in a fog, a daze. one minute, i sob; the next i am singing Pink songs and wishing i had a punching bag.  

obviously, this post is random thoughts. my next will be more eloquent. until then...