yeah. they lied.
oh me, oh my. tell it to my heart.
i wish i totally understood.
i wonder how long this will take me.
i need to disconnect, but i am really not good at it.
i'm strong, most of the time.
who am i kidding?
i'm weak, most of the time.
tomorrow is another day.
this day was positive, all in all.
onward. ... right?
you do what you think you should.
you decide to do what will no longer rip your insides.
i know i have a lot to offer.
i cling to all things positive.
is it positive when it's painful?
they say i deserve better.
tell that to my heart.
my head understands all the advice.
my heart. oh, my heart.
onward. ... right?
torn like cheap linen.
today's feelings:
- i'm feeling like he is a big fool for walking away.
- i'm feeling angry that i am being treated like i did this all to myself. (almost like a "no wonder..." type thing.)
- i'm feeling like being myself throughout this whole process is the key to healthy growth.
- i'm feeling that if i remain myself, i will have no room to regret decisions that i made along the way.
- i'm feeling like i must be the most unhealthy, brokenhearted individual because just the thought and beginning processes of letting go tears me up like cheap linen.
- i'm feeling like crying for things lost doesn't help to bring them back.
- i'm feeling like everyone else has the words and the answers that i can't muster up inside my head, even if i wanted to.
- i'm feeling like 'why me?'.
- i'm feeling like i seriously need to see some sort of illumination on a path here in the direct future, please.
- i'm feeling like i hate every bit of how i feel at this very moment: sad, broken, hurt, ridiculous, ...
- i'm feeling that if anyone judges me for still being in this place: 1. they don't know me enough, obviously; 2. they don't know how utterly, unabashedly, and unfortunately in-love with him that i am.
...
i can sit here all day and type emotion after emotion, and thought after thought, but i must finally get out of this warm bed and dark room and live this day. a reckon a flower would never grow in a dark room with no food. hmm. (i just had a tiny 'a-ha' moment.) so, if you are concerned for me after reading this, just wait on me and keep being my friend (thank you for being my friend), i am going to join the human-race again eventually. until then, ... you're stuck with emotional whitney. au revoir.
just one of them days...
today, and yesterday, is one of those days. the kind of day when you don't feel like getting out of bed, except to drive to mcdonald's and get something crappy to eat. these days suck.
i feel like this spring break has been good and bad. i had some good days and some bad days. more good than bad, thankfully. i got a lot of good "me" time in and that was rewarding, but combined with the other days, it seemed like all the good times got cancelled out. well, maybe i shouldn't be that dramatic. i did have a good spring break. i am satisfied with that.
have you ever seen the movie Failure To Launch, with Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey? Matthew's character makes bad decision after bad decision when it comes to being in relationships with women; he tries to destroy every good relationship that he has because he is scared, or something to that affect. i feel like that is where my life is. like i am not one with nature, like i keep getting crapped on by the universe, and it is all because some guy decided that he didn't want to be in a good thing anymore. i feel like the universe keeps putting us together, and he can't handle it, but yet i am the one that keeps getting shat on.
i just want the necessary steps or rules or guidelines to the correct way to handle my life right now. i want to know if i should run away and never look back or if i should be patient. i just need a clear cut path with a sign that says, 'go that way because you won't be sorry'.
i really don't know how he handles it. i guess he has a stronger, or more callous, heart than i do. i feel very deeply about things. i don't think that is a bad quality to have, but it makes this process very difficult for me. i've got to make a change. but first, i've got to really want to. that's going to be the hardest part. |sigh|
ranting. oh so sadly ranting.
tonight, i feel a tiny bit pathetic.
have you ever wanted more than you are given?
i feel like that.
like i am pathetic, and wanting more than i can attain.
i hate it.
this feeling sucks.
i wish i could be like a guy sometimes.
think like a guy.
be able to compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings.
guys are rocks.
at least they act like they have it all together.
i want to run away.
far, far away from my heart.
my heart sucks.
it doesn't give me the antidote to get over crappy emotions.
sad, stupid heart.
i'm pathetic.
i desire the unattainable.
i want to be like a guy.
i want to run away.
|sigh| i can't believe i am still in this place.
be be your love.
if i could take you away
pretend i was queen
what would you say?
would you think i'm unreal?
'cause everybody's got their way i should feel
everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love
but i want, want, want to be your love
want to be your love, for real
everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love
but i want, want, want to be your love
want to be your love, for real
want to be your everything
everything...
everything is falling, and i am included in that
oh, how i try to be just okay
yeah, but all i ever really wanted
was a little piece of you
and everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love
but i want, want, want to be your love
want to be your love, for real
everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love
but i want, want, want to be your love
want to be your love, for real
everything will be alright
if you just stay the night
please, sir, don't you walk away, ...
please, sir, don't you walk away, ...
and everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love
but i want, want, want to be your love
want to be your love, for real
everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love
but i want, want, want to be your love
want to be your love, for real
today i want ...
ok, diverting away from the sad part of my heart for a moment; i want to share my current wants, not needs. desires, not necessarily attainable items. but nonetheless, i want them allllll.
1. i want to start making my own rolled beeswax candles. i need supplies first.
2. i want a vinyl record player. i do not own any records, but i want to. i do not even know how to operate the things, but i want to learn.
3. i want a sewing machine. taking my crafting to the next level would make me so happy.
4. i want a typewriter. i'm not a writer, but i think that i would use it to journal, instead of blogging. because their are times when you want to keep the heart issues to yourself.
5. if you have ever met me, or known me for any length of time, i have always wanted a 1989 Jeep Grand Wagoneer. i just got blessed with a nice car, but this car will always be my heart.
i have a lot of dreams. more to come, i'm sure. one day, i pray that money will not be an option, not so i can blow it all on material processions, but that i can enjoy the vintage items i've always wanted to have.
keeping my mouth shut.
i have so much that i want to say. i can't decide if i am being smart and guarding my heart or if i am being stupid because i am not expressing how i feel. my heart is screwed up right now. i might be on the edge of depression. i think that is why i am so messed up internally. i want what i cannot have. i have more self-respect than to run back with my heart on my sleeve, fully exposed to being rejected yet again.
i wish i would be able to walk away (or run away) with my head held high, inside and out. i am happy with the honesty and the frankness, but i cannot say that i am happy with my life right now. when he walked away, i felt like a piece of my heart/my soul/my being walked away with him. the day i left that house, i never felt the same. at first, i thought it was that i was being rejected and hurt and that is was why i was feeling so wrong, but i know now that it is so much more. a piece of my heart is gone, forever. he holds it, whether he wants it or not. ha. it's kind of ironic in that sense. he doesn't want my heart, but he has it.
i know that when i am with him, i am happier. that's what sucks. SUCKS. he gets me. he knows me. we like what we like, and we laugh about it - so if it offends you, get ova it. hah. but no, seriously, i just want to tell him how i feel, but i fear the rejection. it's too unbearable, again and again. i need to find me, because with or without him, i am still working on me regardless. |sigh|
this isn't easy for me.
i talked to my mom today, and she asked me how i was. i wanted to tell her that i take two steps forward and four hundred steps back, almost, every other day. she told me to be strong and to let him work on him because it's the right thing to do, for us both. i am tired. i am tired of all the "what ifs". i want to know. i want to be told a definite. i want my best friend again.
to be clear and rational for a minute, i do know this is what is right for right now. i do know that i am a strong woman who needs to move forward in her life and work on herself, pursue her own passions, and become healthy for no one else but herself. i know all this and more.
but this is not what i want.
i struggle with this on a regular basis. please be advised that i am blogging about this and not discussing it with anyone, period. i am going to keep my heart off my sleeve. i will be happy, one day. he is what i want, but this is what i need ... what both of us need. only time will tell, but for now i am holding my tongue.
i feel like i am trying really hard to be a friend and a nice person to people who might deserve a harsh word or two from me. but i figure that being hateful only produces negative feelings in me, as well as hatred and dissension. mean words only feel good when you vent, but later they don't sit well with me. after i tell someone off, i always feel guilty. maybe i am just a really emotional person who can't stand to be hurt or hurt someone else.
maybe the issue is that i feel too deeply about things that happen to me. i get really excited about things - happy emotional; i get really sad about things - martyr emotional. i understand that i am not going to escape heartache or painful, hurtful situations in my life, but i feel like i deserve a little break now and then.
i am going to keep being nice because that allows me to put my head on my pillow at night. i have to believe that it will work in my favor one day.
snow!
ohhhmyygooodneesss SNOW! i love snow. i can only remember a handful of times in my life when it has actually snowed in alabama. once was in '93, in historical and infamous snow storm. hah.
i woke up this morning, a little early and not too pleased. i felt a little chilly and then it hit me. as i sat up to look out my window, i was doubtful. but i peaked out of the blinds, and i was floored. i threw back the curtain, and i am now writing this as i look out MY own window (i'm blown away).
it is snowing! really snowing! in alabama, in march! spring break is only 16 days away, and big snowflakes are raining down out my window.
this is the view from my window. not very pretty, but it proves the snow which is all that matters to me. (of course, this would be the day that my camera decided to crap out, so taking it on my computer was all i could do.)ahh! snow! so excited about this right now! i am not sure how long it is going to stick, but it is sure beautiful right now! i had to share, to document! :)
