keeping my mouth shut.

i have so much that i want to say. i can't decide if i am being smart and guarding my heart or if i am being stupid because i am not expressing how i feel. my heart is screwed up right now. i might be on the edge of depression. i think that is why i am so messed up internally. i want what i cannot have. i have more self-respect than to run back with my heart on my sleeve, fully exposed to being rejected yet again.

i wish i would be able to walk away (or run away) with my head held high, inside and out. i am happy with the honesty and the frankness, but i cannot say that i am happy with my life right now. when he walked away, i felt like a piece of my heart/my soul/my being walked away with him. the day i left that house, i never felt the same. at first, i thought it was that i was being rejected and hurt and that is was why i was feeling so wrong, but i know now that it is so much more. a piece of my heart is gone, forever. he holds it, whether he wants it or not. ha. it's kind of ironic in that sense. he doesn't want my heart, but he has it.

i know that when i am with him, i am happier. that's what sucks. SUCKS. he gets me. he knows me. we like what we like, and we laugh about it - so if it offends you, get ova it. hah. but no, seriously, i just want to tell him how i feel, but i fear the rejection. it's too unbearable, again and again. i need to find me, because with or without him, i am still working on me regardless. |sigh|

this isn't easy for me.

i talked to my mom today, and she asked me how i was. i wanted to tell her that i take two steps forward and four hundred steps back, almost, every other day. she told me to be strong and to let him work on him because it's the right thing to do, for us both. i am tired. i am tired of all the "what ifs". i want to know. i want to be told a definite. i want my best friend again.

to be clear and rational for a minute, i do know this is what is right for right now. i do know that i am a strong woman who needs to move forward in her life and work on herself, pursue her own passions, and become healthy for no one else but herself. i know all this and more.

but this is not what i want.

i struggle with this on a regular basis. please be advised that i am blogging about this and not discussing it with anyone, period. i am going to keep my heart off my sleeve. i will be happy, one day. he is what i want, but this is what i need ... what both of us need. only time will tell, but for now i am holding my tongue.