desperate. hopeless. fearful. loved?

it's interesting to me how i started this day completely unhappy with myself and my life, and am ending it with a rapidly beating heart that is waiting to see what the Lord has in store.

ok, so that sentence really didn't make much sense to anyone but me i'm sure. basically, i've been extremely apathetic lately. i have allowed the complacency to creep in like the tide, and before i knew it, i was completely soaked through. God has not been the center of my world; I have been the center of my world. this has opened the door for a multitude of bad decisions and in the wake of that, shutting out God because of the feelings of inadequacy, shame, and fear. i am not worthy to be loved by Him, yet He loves me freely, without fail and contingencies. i have never known love like this, and i run from it half the time because i have yet to learn to accept His love and not abuse it. i heard a quote recently that went something like this: "God's patience is not an excuse for our procrastination." it hit me square between the eyes, and yet i still walked away like i had never heard it in the first place. how in the world are we as seeking people able to completely turn a blinded eye to the most incredible creator and lover this world has ever known?

i am feeling like God is about to move in my life in a major way. i really can't wait and i really can't understand why He would ever love me so much to do so. sitting idly by and waiting for God to do something while i run around like He can't see how i live is no longer going to work for me. i believe it is Paul who refers to himself as the "chief of sinners." if Paul is the chief, well i am not too far behind him. i feel completely inadequate as a lover and follower of Christ because i am too consumed in my own life to even acknowledge God for more than a breath in my day. how can a God so perfect and so holy ever want to love me?

i just want to honor Him. for heavens sake, i just want to do His will and live for Him.

i told myself a while back that i never want to forget the sin i was in because i never want to forget the people that are still in it. yet, over and over, i find myself right back where i was.

it's scary to say, "God, here am i. all of me. take my life. it's all for Thee." but this is my hearts cry. deep down in my soul, God beckons me. He whispers. He gently tugs. i run faster to His feet. seeking. praying. loving. hoping. desiring. reconciling. groaning. rejoicing. praising.

i know nothing of how this is going to go down, but i know that i cannot continue to be apathetic towards God, talk out of two sides of my mouth, and only "loving" people in words not actions.

me. silent. aware of my desperate need for Thee. desperate. hopeless without You. called. arms wide and heart abandoned. ready to be moved by the mover of mountains and creator of all.

ready. set. go.

the latest and the greatest.

probably my favorite thing i've crocheted so far.

express yourself. create something new.

summer creation. lined clutch.

newest creations. leg warmers.

bow hair clip.

my anthem at the moment.

so faithful, so constant
so loving and so true
so powerful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

i know that You are for me
i know that You are for me
i know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
i know that You have come down
even if to write upon my heart
to remind me who You are

so patient, so gracious
so merciful and true

so wonderful in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

i know that You are for me
i know that You are for me
i know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
i know that You have come down
even if to write upon my heart
to remind me who You are

"You are for me" by kari jobe.

been a long time. here's some thoughts.

wow. it's been a great and lovely summer. obviously i haven't posted something the entire summer long, but in a nutshell, it might be the best summer of college so far. well, i guess i should say it has probably been my most adventurous. gotta love getting out of a rut and actually experiencing new things. whoohoo!

there is a point to this post. i've been pondering the idea of love and marriage lately. if you know me at all, you're probably thinking "lately?" haha, but no really, i've been thinking about it with a level head. i was asked recently if i believe there is just one person i am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i felt like that was a loaded question. well, more thought provoking than loaded, but still a doozy.

my thoughts: so far, in my 22 years of life, i have been "unlucky" in love. i enjoyed my past relationships, and i know that i have learned SO much about: men, relationships, what i deserve and what i am looking for, myself, etc etc. do i believe that there is just one man that is out there that i have yet to meet, that will just sweep me off my feet and we will live happily ever after? no. do i believe that God has ordained a man and set him aside for me to marry? yes, i do. have i already met him? who knows! wouldn't that be a trip! hah.

i also get to thinking, will i know, just have a "feeling", like 'love at first sight'? do i even believe in 'love at first sight'? so many questions, and zero answers. i am in the place where i am ready to have questions answered. is that too much to ask? ;)

i'm excited to start my 5th year of college. last semester of classes kicks off in 7 days. whoohoo! bring it on! excited for what this school year has to offer.

"You are great, and Your name is to be praised!"

thoughts.

today i finished blue like jazz for the second time: my first time being two summers ago. i'm not much of a writer, nor have i ever been very good at book reports. (got a D once reporting on to kill a mockingbird, or was it the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe? regardless, i got a D.) therefore, my thoughts on blue like jazz are going to be just that, thoughts.

i love the way that donald miller writes. i feel like he is telling me his story, his heart, and his mind without making me feel like he is breathing down my neck or sugar coating any idea about God. it's really refreshing to have someone be so real about their struggles and their experiences with God. i guess i want to be just as transparent with people about my own life. i want people to realize that i am just a sinner, who is loved by a great God, and who is trying my darnedest to love people the way i am so undeservingly loved. (by the way, i stink at this loving stuff ... all the time. just ask anyone who knows me.)

in the book, don talks about love. one of my favorite quotes says,

"i loved the fact that it wasn't my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God's, that my part was just to communicate love and approval."

he goes onto say in the next paragraph:

"the Bible says that if you talk to somebody with your mouth, and your heart does not love them, that you are like a person standing there smashing two cymbals together. You are only annoying everybody around you."

also, and i love this so much:

"... instead of withholding love to change somebody, i poured it on, lavishly. i hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing. i knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson."

i am constantly learning new things about God. i know i have zero figured out, but i figure seeking and wondering is better than not seeking or wondering.

there is such a part of me that doesn't understand any of this God stuff still. i've heard about it all my life, no joke, and it still messes me up and sends me to weird places every now and again. in blj, don talks about how he fell in love with Jesus again by reading the Gospels (matt., mark, luke, and john). during the easter season, i read all four accounts of the days prior, the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. it changed me. moved something inside of me. i feel as though that was the time i fell in love with Jesus again. have i been perfect? no. have i sucked at "christianity" since then? yes. has my heart for Jesus changed? no.

i wonder if this is part of the puzzle to really loving Him. being completely aware of my faults, my doubts, my bad areas, but submitting them to Him because He is the only one who can bring me life.

i just want to love people like i am loved. i just want to show people that God is real because He is real to me. i just want to be a little part of something grand, step outside of myself for a change.

i thank God for the words he gave donald miller. blue like jazz is a great book, and i totally recommend it to every person, believer or not. it's worth reading, just to get a different perspective of God and hear someone talk about their journey getting to Him.

my heart is to understand love the way that Jesus showed it/gives it. this world, my world and heart would be a better place if this love could be shown as abundantly.

i'm happy. the end.

summer. so far, i have figured out that i have no clue how i want to spend my summer. i figure that i want to read a lot of interesting books, paint unabashedly, crochet new patterns and designs, travel, and preferably get a tan. deep into week one, i have yet to crack open a book for more than five minutes, touch my brushes to paint, and so on and so forth. work has consumed me. hanging out with friends has become more of a priority. oh well, i guess that i will work towards my summer goals next week, or possibly this weekend at the earliest.

i just want to touch on a few emotions or thoughts, a little more me-blog-like. i am becoming more reflective lately. i want to look at situations more carefully before taking a step forward or running away completely. i also want to actually become a different person, like i say that i am. i feel like i talk a lot of talk, but when pushed into a situation or left subject to my own thoughts, i am the same ... lost and scared and clingy and petrified and prideful and fearful and hopeless. but in jesus, i am so much more than i actually am: confident and reflective and careful and hopeful and at ease and ok being alone and much more. it's just an interesting time right now. so many of my friends have left, and i am trying to be ok with hanging out with myself most of the time. in short, life is good. things are good. i am good.

just a little update. :) i'm happy. the end.

haven't we heard this song about a thousand times before?

(this blog is so full of drama, proceed with caution.)

ha.

favorite songs at the moment:

1.) tune out -- the format

2.) you can go your own way -- fleetwood mac

3.) tiny dancer -- elton john

4.) all this beauty -- the weepies

5.) you make me sing -- jimmy needham

6.) fencer riders -- jimmy needham

7.) portland is leaving -- rocky votolato

8.) for my love -- bethany dillon

9.) you're the love i want to be in -- jason aldean

10.) you found me -- the fray

check out those songs. you're life will never be the same. positively or negatively, never the same.

with love.

lately.

for a while now i have been doing things differently.

- i watch zero t.v., except for the 2 seasons of gilmore girls that i keep watching over and over.

- i eat a lot less. it started bc of nerves, but now i am just used to it.

- i rarely dry my hair anymore. i've decided that it is 1. easier, and 2. better for my hair; so, it works.

- i spend less time at home. it's nice to have a different routine.

- i'm in church and doing church-related things more. great people, great messages, great times.

- i read a lot more. reading blue like jazz, at the moment.

- i support my friends and desire to help them more. i want to get outside of myself. being selfish doesn't satisfy.

- i sleep less. getting to bed at 11+ and finally falling asleep at 1 or 2. i'm glad it's almost summer bc getting to classes is becoming difficult.

- i write a lot more. journaling my heart out, jotting down poetry, documenting my dreams.

i don't know why i am doing things differently these days. i guess i just need to change up my routine and figure myself out. i found myself for about a month a half being depressed and never getting out of bed. i finally had to decide to get up and make the most of my college days, or lay in bed and cry about the things i can't change. i still find myself a couple of days a week just being a bum and turning into a hermit. i find myself missing someone still, but i'm learning and growing and praying and dreaming and wishing and loving and hoping.

i felt the need to recap this past week:

last saturday: 280 Boogie in Waverly. hippies, bluegrass music, lovely friends, etc., made it my favorite event i have been to in a long time.

sunday: church, then montgomery to see momma, drink coffee, write a paper, and help drew with merch at the third day show.

monday: class, work, and hung out with friends (i.e.,procrastinated from writing another paper).

tuesday: class, no work, and international dinner with jordan. i love all of the people that i met that night. i'm sad that this tuesday is the last one of the semester. everyone is just so much fun.

wednesday: class, work, and bocci ball with kels and other friends on samford lawn. work was horrifying, and my schedule was finally light, so i made a screwdriver and headed to the lawn. after playing, kels and i hit up daylight donuts and chatted about life until midnight+.

thursday: only one class, no work, lunch with chelle and wes at moe's. THEN an impromptu, but not entirely on a whim, trip to shenanigans to get my foot inked. :) hung out with kels between lunch and tattoo, tattoo, then went to watch The Dark Knight at Jordan-Hare with jordan. laying on the field with blankets and pillows was epic. went to IHOP with friends, and it was the most uncomfortable experience ever. then came home and had a convo that made my heart hurt and my sleep restless. this was a day i will never ever forget.

friday: didn't make it to class; instead, i laid in my bed, made porch time with jesus, watched gilmore girls, and opened a pint of icing - all as therapy to get through some mess. and before work, i made a new purse. it was a semi-productive afternoon. work. then went to see the bandar-log play at the ale house with jordan, saw tons of old friends, and took a walk to bodegas were we ran into even more friends. a fun night was just what i needed.

today: wished i could have ignored my internal clock. headed to tiger town and bought cute shorts because all of mine are 2 sizes too big. (break-ups = best diet plan, fyi.) grabbed lunch, and met up with jordan at auburn city fest. it was not lame like i thought it might be, but it was hot as the devil's sneeze. i think i got a little sun which is a plus. left the city fest and went straight to wegl fest. waited around to see the bandar-log play, and now i have retired to my bed for the night.

this week was fun and interesting and unforgettable. on to start a new week full of adventures and memories.

only so much.

a girl can only handle so much rejection in her life.

i just hold my head up high and smile.

happiness is a choice.

i feel compelled.

here it is, in black and white (or whatever my blog colors are):

i know only one thing right now... i do not, in any way, deserve the love of jesus.

in my own life experience, i have dealt with a father whose definition of showing love was to turn on nascar on sunday afternoon and ask me to watch it with him, and to give me stupid gifts. he never knew how to love me, and never cared enough to try harder. as the years have gone on, i have only loved two men, and one of them i consider my one true love (and still do). both, in the end, broke my heart. i could do nothing to change the fact that they didn't want to be with me, it was just how things went down.

therefore, love for me is the one thing that i will never ever understand. i will never understand how God could look at me, and say that He loves me regardless of all my junk. every single day i feel as though i do not deserve love, from anyone. i look at myself in the mirror and wonder what it is that drove them all away. i even think that if jesus was to come to my door and i was to open it, he would take one look at me and give a half awkward grin and say, "oops, wrong door", and walk away - never looking back.

that's just how i feel. unworthy. the love He gives is such a weird concept, and learning to accept it will be the hardest part.

bible-love = legit love to be consumed in.

just a little bible-love going on in my life. that's about it. not too bad, huh? it seems like a pretty legit love to be consumed in, in my opinion.

right now, i am all wrapped in ecclesiastes. i read it completely the other night, and now i am taking about 3 chapters at a time. at first, i was a bit discouraged by the words. i felt like it was depressing, and not life-breathing. but then i got thinking about Jesus. ecclesiastes is in the OT, and all the 'meaningless'ness that Solomon (i believe) is talking about changed radically with Jesus. also, i love how this book is so raw and the author talks unabashedly about the ways of this world. he says how they are meaningless and chasing after them to give you life is like 'chasing the wind - meaningless'. how true! and how lovely it is to read something in the bible that can be easily translated to people who don't believe.

i prayed the other day that God would, for the first time in my life, give me a heart for the lost. i know that in the bible, He tells us to go and tell the world about Him; that is a command. i have never felt qualified or even desired it in any way. God is bringing me out of the darkest part of my life, so far, and i know truth is actually true for certain now. why wouldn't i want to share? share with my life, my deeds, my words. i feel that is why God brought me to ecclesiastes this week. it makes sense because i have been that person of the world ... so close to that place in almost every minute still. without Jesus, i am nothing. i have no heart for love. i have no heart to bless others. i have no heart to please Him. it's just sadness.

i have finally posted a blog like micah would post. how interesting. thank you God for bringing whitney back! it's nice to feel meaning again.

hard letter to write.

when being called by the Lord to do something hard, my initial reaction is to run the other way. i hate to be put in a situation where i have to make a hard decision or am faced with an ultimatum. the ultimatum i have been faced with recently is live in the will of the Lord, not my own, or be unhappy and defeated daily. it seems like a pretty easy decision to make, but i just wish it was more simple.

today i did something to help with the call God has on my heart right now. i wrote a letter to someone that will basically change our whole relationship, and unlike him, i feel like i am actually the one ending what he started to end. i just can't be two different people anymore. i refuse. easter started with the excitement of the Lord, and ended with me tossing and turning because i couldn't believe that i had grieved the heart of The One who saved me. i want to turn a complete 180, but i am choosing the flesh way too often. i know that Jesus loves me more than anything, but i want so badly to love him more every day. i just can't live as two different people.

i want the people who say they love me to know that i am falling in love with the only man who will ever know how to love me correctly - Jesus Christ. it is a love relationship that will last for my entire life, and i am excited about it. tough decisions will probably happen daily, or hourly, but i know that i can always turn to Him and there will be love.

i love you (all) very much. thanks for being patient with me.

the heartstrings are loosening.

the heartstrings are loosening.

almost all undone.

this should be simpler

especially if you aren't the one.

we were happy before.

maybe that was just me.

now that it's over

i only want to be free.

if you need me to keep holding on

your words will not be convincing.

i loved the way we were back then

but my hands of you i am rinsing.

just a little poem about the place i probably should be.

the weekends should never end.

best weekend i've had in quite some time. (i usually don't use this blog for recap purposes, but what the heck.)

so, friday night was super funky. 'twas lovely, to say the least. work ended, and i headed home to beautify. then off to a party with some great people. i drank a bottle of champagne which made me happy, not delusional. did a little dancing. just had a great ol time.

saturday: had an early morning hang out with my cousin (amber) and her husband (jeff) and his brother (brett). we all got breakfast at big blue bagel. delicious. then took a stroll around the beautiful campus of auburn university. hung out for a bit. then later we all went for a lunch time snack at mellow mushroom. i did all of that before 2 pm. it was a whirlwind, but my day was just beginning.

so, after hanging with the fam, i went and picked miss kelly up and we headed for her car at her bf's. hung out there for a while. then that turned into a day event of yard work with some awesome new friends. amy and i had a special project of cleaning out the front flower bed, which will be home to flowers in the near future. while cleaning out this bed, working ourselves to the bone, we came across, very abruptly, a snake! Oo, it was not a fun experience. after the serpent was obliterated, we finished as much as we could and left the rest for a different day.

after that lovely day in the yard, an amazing dinner was made and served by dan, and hang out time commenced.

sunday: yet another raining day in the good ol south. oh i am so sick of it raining so much. but went to church anyways, and loved every second of it. i am going to share in a later post just how much my life is changing these days. i am struggling with a few things, and not wanting to let go of most things, but i know my heart is changing for Jesus again. i told someone this weekend that i am trying to fall back in love with Jesus again. more on this topic to come. so church was awesome, and i hung out with kelly and maggie this afternoon because my house was invaded with people i didn't know. i always have fun with kels; she rocks.

so, my weekend was nice. encountered some rain, ate breakfast at an auburn landmark for the first time, saw some family, yelped over a snake, spend time with great new friends, drank a little much but never lost control, danced danced, and loved every minute of it. this weekend had to be documented. done.

don't worry. be happy.

ya know, i really do miss someone very much.

i am learning not to worry about it though.

but i want them to know... me not worrying doesn't mean that i don't care. i care a great deal. just not worrying, like you suggested.

i'm finding that not worrying so much makes me feel a lot better. so nice to feel good again.

:)

psh!

whom ever said it was easy to let go ...

yeah. they lied.

oh me, oh my. tell it to my heart.

i wish i totally understood.

i wonder how long this will take me.

i need to disconnect, but i am really not good at it.

i'm strong, most of the time.

who am i kidding?

i'm weak, most of the time.

tomorrow is another day.

this day was positive, all in all.

onward. ... right?

you do what you think you should.

you decide to do what will no longer rip your insides.

i know i have a lot to offer.

i cling to all things positive.

is it positive when it's painful?

they say i deserve better.

tell that to my heart.

my head understands all the advice.

my heart. oh, my heart.

onward. ... right?

torn like cheap linen.

so i've already turned off my alarm, and it is way too cold to get out of bed, so i've decided to give ya a little update on the heart of whitney while i procrastinate the getting up process.

today's feelings:

- i'm feeling like he is a big fool for walking away.

- i'm feeling angry that i am being treated like i did this all to myself. (almost like a "no wonder..." type thing.)

- i'm feeling like being myself throughout this whole process is the key to healthy growth.

- i'm feeling that if i remain myself, i will have no room to regret decisions that i made along the way.

- i'm feeling like i must be the most unhealthy, brokenhearted individual because just the thought and beginning processes of letting go tears me up like cheap linen.

- i'm feeling like crying for things lost doesn't help to bring them back.

- i'm feeling like everyone else has the words and the answers that i can't muster up inside my head, even if i wanted to.

- i'm feeling like 'why me?'.

- i'm feeling like i seriously need to see some sort of illumination on a path here in the direct future, please.

- i'm feeling like i hate every bit of how i feel at this very moment: sad, broken, hurt, ridiculous, ...

- i'm feeling that if anyone judges me for still being in this place: 1. they don't know me enough, obviously; 2. they don't know how utterly, unabashedly, and unfortunately in-love with him that i am.

...

i can sit here all day and type emotion after emotion, and thought after thought, but i must finally get out of this warm bed and dark room and live this day. a reckon a flower would never grow in a dark room with no food. hmm. (i just had a tiny 'a-ha' moment.) so, if you are concerned for me after reading this, just wait on me and keep being my friend (thank you for being my friend), i am going to join the human-race again eventually. until then, ... you're stuck with emotional whitney. au revoir.

just one of them days...

today, and yesterday, is one of those days. the kind of day when you don't feel like getting out of bed, except to drive to mcdonald's and get something crappy to eat. these days suck.

i feel like this spring break has been good and bad. i had some good days and some bad days. more good than bad, thankfully. i got a lot of good "me" time in and that was rewarding, but combined with the other days, it seemed like all the good times got cancelled out. well, maybe i shouldn't be that dramatic. i did have a good spring break. i am satisfied with that.

have you ever seen the movie Failure To Launch, with Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey? Matthew's character makes bad decision after bad decision when it comes to being in relationships with women; he tries to destroy every good relationship that he has because he is scared, or something to that affect. i feel like that is where my life is. like i am not one with nature, like i keep getting crapped on by the universe, and it is all because some guy decided that he didn't want to be in a good thing anymore. i feel like the universe keeps putting us together, and he can't handle it, but yet i am the one that keeps getting shat on.

i just want the necessary steps or rules or guidelines to the correct way to handle my life right now. i want to know if i should run away and never look back or if i should be patient. i just need a clear cut path with a sign that says, 'go that way because you won't be sorry'.

i really don't know how he handles it. i guess he has a stronger, or more callous, heart than i do. i feel very deeply about things. i don't think that is a bad quality to have, but it makes this process very difficult for me. i've got to make a change. but first, i've got to really want to. that's going to be the hardest part. |sigh|

ranting. oh so sadly ranting.

tonight, i feel a tiny bit pathetic.

have you ever wanted more than you are given?

i feel like that.

like i am pathetic, and wanting more than i can attain.

i hate it.

this feeling sucks.

i wish i could be like a guy sometimes.

think like a guy.

be able to compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings.

guys are rocks.

at least they act like they have it all together.

i want to run away.

far, far away from my heart.

my heart sucks.

it doesn't give me the antidote to get over crappy emotions.

sad, stupid heart.

i'm pathetic.

i desire the unattainable.

i want to be like a guy.

i want to run away.

|sigh| i can't believe i am still in this place.

be be your love.

if i could take you away

pretend i was queen

what would you say?

would you think i'm unreal?

'cause everybody's got their way i should feel

everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

want to be your everything

everything...

everything is falling, and i am included in that

oh, how i try to be just okay

yeah, but all i ever really wanted

was a little piece of you

and everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

everything will be alright

if you just stay the night

please, sir, don't you walk away, ...

please, sir, don't you walk away, ...

and everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

everybody's talking how i can't, can't be your love

but i want, want, want to be your love

want to be your love, for real

yayuhh.

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today i want ...

ok, diverting away from the sad part of my heart for a moment; i want to share my current wants, not needs. desires, not necessarily attainable items. but nonetheless, i want them allllll.

1. i want to start making my own rolled beeswax candles. i need supplies first.

2. i want a vinyl record player. i do not own any records, but i want to. i do not even know how to operate the things, but i want to learn.

3. i want a sewing machine. taking my crafting to the next level would make me so happy.

4. i want a typewriter. i'm not a writer, but i think that i would use it to journal, instead of blogging. because their are times when you want to keep the heart issues to yourself.

5. if you have ever met me, or known me for any length of time, i have always wanted a 1989 Jeep Grand Wagoneer. i just got blessed with a nice car, but this car will always be my heart.

i have a lot of dreams. more to come, i'm sure. one day, i pray that money will not be an option, not so i can blow it all on material processions, but that i can enjoy the vintage items i've always wanted to have.

keeping my mouth shut.

i have so much that i want to say. i can't decide if i am being smart and guarding my heart or if i am being stupid because i am not expressing how i feel. my heart is screwed up right now. i might be on the edge of depression. i think that is why i am so messed up internally. i want what i cannot have. i have more self-respect than to run back with my heart on my sleeve, fully exposed to being rejected yet again.

i wish i would be able to walk away (or run away) with my head held high, inside and out. i am happy with the honesty and the frankness, but i cannot say that i am happy with my life right now. when he walked away, i felt like a piece of my heart/my soul/my being walked away with him. the day i left that house, i never felt the same. at first, i thought it was that i was being rejected and hurt and that is was why i was feeling so wrong, but i know now that it is so much more. a piece of my heart is gone, forever. he holds it, whether he wants it or not. ha. it's kind of ironic in that sense. he doesn't want my heart, but he has it.

i know that when i am with him, i am happier. that's what sucks. SUCKS. he gets me. he knows me. we like what we like, and we laugh about it - so if it offends you, get ova it. hah. but no, seriously, i just want to tell him how i feel, but i fear the rejection. it's too unbearable, again and again. i need to find me, because with or without him, i am still working on me regardless. |sigh|

this isn't easy for me.

i talked to my mom today, and she asked me how i was. i wanted to tell her that i take two steps forward and four hundred steps back, almost, every other day. she told me to be strong and to let him work on him because it's the right thing to do, for us both. i am tired. i am tired of all the "what ifs". i want to know. i want to be told a definite. i want my best friend again.

to be clear and rational for a minute, i do know this is what is right for right now. i do know that i am a strong woman who needs to move forward in her life and work on herself, pursue her own passions, and become healthy for no one else but herself. i know all this and more.

but this is not what i want.

i struggle with this on a regular basis. please be advised that i am blogging about this and not discussing it with anyone, period. i am going to keep my heart off my sleeve. i will be happy, one day. he is what i want, but this is what i need ... what both of us need. only time will tell, but for now i am holding my tongue.